If You Call Yourself Madonna...

Well, if you're named after the woman who birthed the savior, then it should be no surprise that you live with the delusion that your children will rise up and save the world.

Unfortunately, considering that this is the Madonna we're talking about her kids are more likely to grow into the herpes factories that their mother was/is. However, they'll be doing it more out of the ennui of being worth billions of dollars than for the career advancement purposes that dragged Madge out of Detroit and into Dennis Rodman's bedroom.

All in all, I still like the idea that I posited a few years ago that Madonna and Angelina Jolie are actually gathering up all of these third world orphans in a misguided attempt to summon Captain Planet:

Call me delusional, I mean I'm fighting off some kind of superflu and I'm 50 pages into my Saturday Morning exhibit document, but I think Madonna and Angelina Jolie are racing each other to form Captain Planet.

Each has their own biological children, but they're currently scouring the globe and picking up these diverse third world babies to add to their teams of Planeteers.

Now remember the 1990 Captain Planet team featured Wheeler (North America), Linka (Eastern Europe), Gi (Asia), Kwame (Africa) and Ma-Ti (South America) - Gaia's team in the battle against further destruction of the Earth. It was implicit that they weren't the first team, and I assume that they would not be the last. I just had no idea that the next incarnation of Gaia was going to be a hot MILF (yeah I'd still consider Madonna hot, although she's looking a bit like Alfred E. Newman nowadays, and Angelinan well sheesh) - the last one was kinda cute but she was voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, and she had that skunk stripe in her 'do.

Right now, Madonna and Angelina are tied at three each. Madonna has Lourdes, born in America (though half Cuban), Rocco (British), and now David (Malawi.) Angelina has Maddox (Cambodian), Zahara (Ethiopia), and Shiloh (American, though born in Namibia). So the race is on for two more each to fill out the five powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart . They need to start looking in Eastern Europe, so I guess Kosovo or some place is the next place each of them will be hitting up, and Madonna has an advantage because she's on tour.

I guess we'll find out who will win in about 10 or so years when these kids are old enough to scour the globe and call forth the mullet wearing champion. Either way, we all win and so will the environment. - October, 2006

Now, I have to admit I didn't really keep a close eye on this situation in the past two and a half years, but I think that Angelina won in the numbers game after popping out a couple of more kids. There is still time however, as my good friend Jared Gniewek pointed out when I first uncovered this plot:

Earth Day 2020 will be the 50th Earth Day and so will begin the reemergence of the powers of Gaia. Only 14 [ed: now 11] years to go... I would imagine that their ethnically diverse warrior-children will most certainly herald in anew age. One would hope that Stephen Seagal is involved to teach them, as he did America at the end of "On Deadly Ground."

Indeed, Jared. Indeed.

I also feel a need to point out that Madonna is now in no way hot or even the least bit attractive anymore. In fact, rather than looking more like the mostly attractive Earth Mother from Ted Turner's cartoon classic from the 1990s, she has evolved into a completely different star of the sequential arts that got his start in the 50s but is perhaps better known for his 1990s incarnation:

The Crypt Keeper.