Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Unfortunate Filler: More Ledger/Joker Stuff

Hey Actioneer(s?),

I'm trying to iron out a technical issue with a pretty lengthy post I wrote about
this list of movies that Conservatives (the Head Honchos of Hollywood Hating) are trying to claim for their own nefarious purposes. In the meantime, here's about the only Christian Bale rant joke that I actually thought was funny:


Works on SOOOOOOOO many levels...
Click on the image to see other spoof posters from CollegeHumor.com

More later, I hope! - AM!


Monday, February 23, 2009

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na...

Not even Batman could have stopped a certain joker from stealing an Oscar last night. Check out this week's Monday Media Madness post I wrote for the Sequential Art Collective and read all about it.

Click HERE to flip the Shakespeare head and slide down the proverbial Batpole.


"I had a dream I was a vigilante's sidekick..."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Looks Like My Office

Art by Jonathan Godoy. You can buy a print of it HERE

I'm not kidding. All it's missing is the Sword of Omens...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Apocalypse Watch: 1 Day Closer


I saw these at the supermarket today. I don't know why I became so fascinated with or frightened by them. It's just a McGriddles on a stick, right?

Oh yeah, that's why... because it's a fucking McGriddles...On A Stick!!!

They're probably delicious, I wouldn't know... but I do know that they're definitely another tick of the big hand on the End-of-Days clock.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Basic Math for Sports Reporters

Evidently the Reporter Didn't Go to College Either, or Grade School...

At A-Roid's press conference yesterday, a learned reporter's question included the following math problem:


"...you said you took (it) twice a month for three years. Basic math would make that 36 times. Why would someone inject something into their system 36 times, who is a professional athlete and wants a long career if you don't know what it is, if you were doing it right?"

2 times X 3 years X 12 months in a year = 72 injections

That's my basic math, homes, and I showed the work. He clearly wasn't doing it right if he only took half the doses now was he, you fucking genius?

How can you try to call someone out on their stupidity when your math is wrong? Epic fail, douche wad.

Unfortunately, unlike A-Roid and probably this bastion of journalism, I went to college - a good one too - and thanks to this economy I haven't been able to find steady work in months - but these goddamn dipshits get paid too much to play and talk about a game.

To each their own struggle, I guess... I'll shut up now about this and go back to rambling about He-Man and The Smurfs. For free. yay sports...

What's My Next Tattoo - You Decide!

At the end of this year I'll be getting another nerd tattoo. Because I'm up in the air on what aspect of my misspent youth I want to celebrate next, I'm leaving it up to you, my faithful reader(s), to decide. Here are raw images of the choices -- which are approximations of what I'm thinking of, but in no way represent the final art:


The Shield of He-Man

or

Comics Code Authority Seal


You can vote via the poll below my bio, on the right hand side of this page. Polling will close on November 30th, 2009 at 9:00AM. (My 33rd Birthday.) I'll get the ink sometime in mid-December. I'll post updates on the art as they're available -- or, if you're an artist, and you want to take a stab at interpreting either of these iconic emblems e-mail your designs to matt@sacart.org

Monday, February 16, 2009

On the Darkside... Oh Yeah-hey-ah!

How was long deceased EC Comics publisher William M. Gaines haunting last week's DVD releases? You should check out the Sequential Art Collective blog to find out.

Click HERE to fumble over to a fabulous Fright Fest.

Crypty and Papa Bill make a posthumous appearance at a 2007 Halloween party.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Friday the 13th

An Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Oh Robey,


Star of the bafflingly titled
Friday the 13th: The Series...



...Only Wilma Flintstone pre-dates you in my love of shapely red heads with strange and annoying voices.

Sure, you can blame your accent on being Canadian, but can you broil an entire rack of Brontosaurus ribs? Or at least satisfactorily explain how a string of movies about a slasher in a hockey mask was turned into a TV show
aboot two "cousins" tracking down cursed antiques?

The 13th falls on a Friday again in March. So, you have a month to come up with something.

- Love,
Action Matt!


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The William Holden Helmet

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.


However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.


(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)


HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!:
Now?


HELMET HEAD:
The American Dream * in action. indeed

HELMET HEAD:
I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good

HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!:
Cool


HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!:
Yeah I just searched that

ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD:
I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm


ACTION MATT!:
lol


HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD:
Absolutely

HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:


ACTION MATT!:
Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD:
Totally!


ACTION MATT!:
What did you do to modify the helmet?


HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!:
And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?


HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD:
Best. Holden helmet. Ever.

HELMET HEAD:
I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared

HELMET HEAD:
No shit


ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD:
Heh

HELMET HEAD:
Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is

HELMET HEAD:
33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet

HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!:
Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…


HELMET HEAD:
Don’t tell me these things, not now man*


ACTION MATT!:
…or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan


HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD:
This mask is cracking me up

HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Smurf Life, Part 1: Fan/Boy

I was in the hospital last week visiting my newborn nephew, when I met a little kid proudly displaying his freshly pressed Thomas the Tank Engine water-activated tattoo. It was on the backside of his hand, which not-so-coincidently held some plastic replica of one of Thomas's buddies.


As I sat in the hospital room, cradling a stuffed Smurf in my left arm, I smiled when the kid ran up to me and proudly proclaimed: “I have a tattoo! And I have the toy! Look!”


“That’s awesome, homes” I replied. “Me too.”


(I should say here that the stuffed Smurf I was carrying was for my nephew. My own was at home on one of my shelves. I don’t take the Smurf out and carry him around. I mean, I would, but that would just get him all dirty.)


“Can I see?” he asked, as he pulled his hand out my face.


I put the Smurf in my nephew's crib, obligingly unbuttoned my over-shirt and started pulling up the sleeve of my tee, when I stopped and asked:


“Do you like spooky things?”


“No, I like baseball.”


“Well, if and when you do, ask me again.” I put my button down back on.


How the hell do you explain a smurf skull to a four year-old? The Smurf I was holding was probably the first one he’d ever seen, and there I was about to give him a glimpse of the end of their multi-century life cycle. I mean, he probably has never even heard of Tupac (although I have to admit, I have no idea what kids are listening to nowadays), so would he even get the “Thug Life” reference that crowns the art?


His father, one of my brother's friends, did get the reference and appreciated Death’s Head Smurf - as he’s been named - after I showed him and his curious girlfriend later on (and out of the kid’s sight.) They got a bigger kick out of it after I explained that I was probably the country’s leading, if not only, self-proclaimed Smurfologist.


Then the usual string of questions came…


What’s with Smurfette? Why is she the only female smurf? How do they reproduce? How did you get to be a Smurfologist?


The answers:

How do you mean? She’s not. They don’t, the stork brings the new babies. And well, that’s a long one…


Got a minute? Because maybe it’s time we put this one on the record. Might take a bit.


The Smurfs animated series debuted on September 12th, 1981 at 8:30AM. I was four. At the time, I believed it was perhaps the most amazing hour of television that I had ever sat through in my life. Then on the following Friday, I saw the newest episode of The Incredible Hulk and exactly the same thing. But, on Saturday the 19th The Smurfs was on again, and that reclaimed the prize. This cycle continued until the Hulk was canceled at the end of that season. Then, I’m sure another show took over for it almost instantaneously. Remember, I was four. That’s how things like that go when you’re four.


I honestly don’t remember too much from that time, but I do remember that I became absolutely obsessed with The Smurfs. How could I not? They spoke in their own uber-cool language, they were adorable as all get out and because the Wallace Berrie company had started to import European Smurf toys as early as 1978, they already had toys on the market that I could annoy my parents for.


It was a huge phenomenon. Everyone watched The Smurfs, from my older brother who claimed it was “dumb” - although he sat with me for hours crafting little replicas with our Paas Make Your Own Smurf Kit – straight through to my grandmother, who at 60 years old tuned in so she could have something to talk about with me during our weekly phone calls.


Below is a composite reconstruction of conversations that occurred between young Matthew C. Murray and Anna T. Cole, from 1981 to 1983, based on various family recollections:


Grandma: Did you watch The Mertz today, Matthew?


Matthew: They’re smurfed Smurfs, Me-Ma.


Grandma: Don’t be a whiner, Matthew.


Matthew: I’m not whining.


Grandma: Then, what... are you crying?


Matthew: I’m not crying, Me-Ma.


Grandma: Of course you are, I can hear it in your voice.


Matthew: I’M NOT CRYING! Jeez, what is your smurf broken?


Grandma: It’s going to be okay, Matthew. Stop crying.


Matthew (actually starting to cry, angrily): I…I…I’m not cr-cr-crying!!!


Grandma (laughing): Well, I watched The Mertz today and that Gargamel sure is funny, huh?


Matthew: (uncontrollable sobbing)


Grandma (mock condolence): Aw... Why don't you sing a song for me, Matthew?


Matthew: (to the tune of the early 80s Noodle Roni Parmesano jingle) Noodle Roni Parmagiana, a bit-doe-wo-wit-doe-wee*!


Matthew slams the phone down in utter disgust. Grandma calls back laughing hysterically.


* Translated: "...a bit of Old Italy"


Years went by. The Smurfs expanded to a 90 minute show, then went back to an hour show, then back to 90 minutes based on the failings of other Saturday morning offerings. It moved to 9:00. Then the Smuflings came on the scene. Then Puppy. Then Grandpa. All the while, other shows had slowly been eroding my viewership. Other more exciting shows, with a more “sophisticated” sense of humor and better tie-ins like the Muppet Babies and Lazer Tag.


And let’s face it, The Smurfs had become “kids stuff.” All-in-all, I collected the odd Smurf and occasionally watched the cartoon until I reached the age that I could no longer hide it from my friends that I did so. Oh, that and the Superfriends: Super Power Team: Galactic Guardians Show was so much cooler anyway.


It was time to put childish things away, and embrace Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling. I was nine. That’s how things like that go when you’re nine.



Stay 'Tooned for Part 2…

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

No Surprise - It's A Water Pipe! Ha!

Well this explains the 12,000 calorie a day diet.

Yeah, I don't actually care about Michael Phelps... except for the whole Aquaman connection, I guess. But this has been so inescapable, that I felt that I was technically required to produce a pithy comment or two, or else my citizenship would be revoked, or something. yay sports...

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Hulk of 123rd Street

Hey Actioneers!

A new post about my 30 year history with the Hulk and my thoughts on his recent DVD is up at the Sequential Art Collective blog.

Click HERE to learn more about this elusive beast:

Matt. Murray's Monday Media Madness

In addition to my random ramblings over here, I'm also blogging weekly for the Sequential Art Collective.

Besides
my fanboy mess, you can get a regular look into the brains of some of my favorite people on the planet including: Jennifer Babcock, Jared Gniewek, Justin Maudslien, Michael Carlisle, Leah Schnelbach, Lee French, Allan Dorison and Kevin Gillespie. It updates with different and diverse dubiousness daily. So make sure to bookmark it and incorporate it into your web browsing routine.

Click on the logo below to check it out:

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Zihuatanejo

On January 31st, 2009 at around 8:20PM my brother, Brian Murray, welcomed his son Andrew Thomas to the world. His initials ATM, are a pretty obvious reference to my brother's first passion - cash. However, the name Andrew - Andy as he will be called by most, but I, the stubborn, contrary prick that I am will probably call him Drew to annoy everyone - was a bit of enigma.

With no Andy's of note in either bloodline , how did he and his wife decide upon the name? I asked and was shocked at the answer: "Shawshank. I named him after Andy Dufresne from Shawshank."

No. Shit. After spending the better part of my life being ridiculed by this person for loving both movies and Stephen King, he turned around and named the fruit of his looms after a character in the best film ever adapted from one of King's stories.



Note the similarity in the hats as well.

The easy joke to throw in at this point would be, that he was named Andy, because like his namesake, he crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine.

And I guess, yeah, I said it.

My apologies to those who came to this party ill prepared for a joke about the birthing process and my sister-in-law's vagina.

Wait! I take that back, if you came to this party at all, you should have seen that coming before I did. That's basically how I roll.

I guess, if the kid doesn't like the name he can blame TNT, which played the movie non-stop for 10 years straight, basically making it everyone's favorite movie of all time. Don't believe me? Check the IMDB. However, I suspect that my brother might have liked it a bit before all of that, like when I first brought a VHS copy home from Sam Goody in 1995 and made the whole family watch it -- but he never would have admitted it then. So, cheers to Brian for coming out of the movie geek closet. Even a little bit. All these years later. I'm not sure it makes up for the years of psychological torture he subjected me to, but it's a step.

So, on to the point I should be making, away from whining about the past and toward the less obvious joke. Ultimately it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing, or a "that's funny if you know Brian" joke, and as 99% of you don't know him or weren't there, I hope that you think it's funny anyway... I hope that you laugh or chuckle even a little... I hope...

Now, even though he made me feel like crap for liking the movies I liked, there were a handful of films that I know Brian enjoyed, still loves or watched a lot at various points in his life. If Andy really doesn't like his name, here's a list of names that he possibly could have been called based on my brother's taste in film. (Take 'em or leave 'em, kid) :

Top 10 Alternative Names for Andy Thomas Murray
(Click the name to go to the movie it's from, if it's not obvious already)

10. Eddie Barsoom Murray
9. Dr. Mark Sloan Murray (Yeah it's TV, but it's one for his wife)
8. Bruce LeRoy Murray
7. Bodahi
6. Captain Oveur Murray
5. Bill Ray Valentine Murray
4. Liberate Tutame Murray
3. McKenzie Hoser Murray
2. Simon MacCorkindale Murray (TV again, but had to chart never-the-less)
1. Jake Elwood Murray

Either way congrats to the Murrays of Long Island! Eagerly looking forward to the eventual arrival of Jessica Fletcher Murray (again probably his wife's choice, she has the tastes of a 90 year-old alzheimer's patient)...

Andy and Brian Murray, 1/31/09