It's Time for Some Action!

"By Odin's Beard!" - or Something Close to It!

2011-05-10T09:00:00.015-04:00

Branagh promoting the film at the 2010 San Diego Comic Con

As of this past weekend's box-office receipts Thor is the #1 movie in America, finally giving Kenneth Branagh the blockbuster director's status he's deserved for over two decades.

Similarly, it has bumped the Mighty Avenger's status from B-List to at least A-Minus-List notoriety a feat that Marvel has been trying to pull off in the five decades since the God of Thunder took to the pages of Journey into Mystery #83.

Although the "general public" has been categorized as being unaware of Thor's presence up until his star-making turn at the cinemas, Thor has been floating around the periphery of pop culture providing some entertainment and quite a few chuckles to those of us who grew-up knowing and loving Longbeard's Son.

Here's a few of my personal favorite Thor appearances in the media that pre-date his super-stardom:

Adventures in Babysitting
1987

Yeah, that's a bleached-out Detective Bobby Goren making a cameo as some mechanic named Dawson, just prior to packing on a record-setting 70 lbs. to blow his brains all over the latrine in the following year's Full Metal Jacket.

Why is he here?

Well, a major plot point of Chris Columbus' Adventures in Babysitting is a little girl's strange obsession with Marvel's most famous Asgardian, a gag that pays off when the girl's babysitter needs to get her car out of hock and Dawson descends to collect the outlandish some of $50 (1987 money) to release the vehicle. To see how the dyed and teased hair-raising scenario plays out check-out the following clip:

(Note: For decades, whenever I watched Adventures in Babysitting I got jealous of little Maia Brewton's awesome Thor accessories that - to my knowledge - were constructs of the prop department and never made available despite how awesome they would have been to run around with, especially in 1987. However, with the current marketing blitz going on for the Branagh film there are similar ones crowding the shelves of stores everywhere... and to paraphrase Step Brothers - "You know what's better than having a Thor hammer when you're ten? Having one at 35!!!")

The Incredible Hulk Returns
1988

After nearly a decade off the air, The Incredible Hulk (which up until that point had been the only Marvel property to make it off the page with more than a modest amount of success) indeed returned in a TV movie that was as much a Hulk story as a back-door pilot for a Thor franchise which never materialized. (They tried a similar gimmick the following year for Daredevil which still only fueled the fires for more Hulk...)

This Thor differed greatly from the comic version in that the Norse God was something more akin to a genie who was trapped inside of Mjolnir, and could only be released when the hammer's bearer - in this case, the nerdy Dr. Donald Blake (a nod to Thor's comic book alter-ego) - held the weapon out and screamed "Odin!!!"

However, once out in Midgard this version of Thor, played by Eric Allan Kramer (Little John in Robin Hood: Men in Tights), is less concerned with fighting crime and righting injustices, and more interested in line-dancing with marginally attractive women and participating in overly-long arm-wrestling montages at local biker bars. (You really gotta see this for yourself.)

Despite a rocky first meeting (shown in the clip below), Thor manages to pair up with the Hulk (whom he calls "Troll") and can't help but become more heroic and want to take down some thugs who want to steal some kind of gamma thing, or whatever.

True story: I literally bumped into Steve Levitt, the actor who played Donald Blake, outside of a theater during the intermission for a Broadway show we were both attending sometime in the mid 1990s. Instantly recognizing him, I lit up and started gushing about how I loved the Incredible Hulk and dug the whole Thor bit at which point he politely shook my hand and said something to the effect of: "Yeah, I don't like talking about that" before briskly walking away.

Justice Friends
1996 - 98

Though not technically Thor, Valhallen was probably the best animated incarnation of the character to appear on television until the recent Marvel's Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes (and the Longest Cartoon Title Ever) debuted in 2010.

A brilliant mash-up of the Thunderer and the burnt-out metal heads who worship him thanks to a lifetime of listening to Led Zeppelin, the creators of this Dexter's Lab spin-off character tied it all up in a clever bow by making his name a play on "Van Halen" and giving him a magic "axe" (a synonym for guitar, in case you're a complete dork.)

Valhallen is probably my favorite part of this list thanks to his participation in the Justice Friends shorts - an Avengers spoof by way of the Super Friends - which started on Dexter's Lab and then ran through other Cartoon Network shows like The Powerpuff Girls, making that whole era of CN programming a strangely cohesive universe.

The People's Court
1999

During a stretch of time that I was unemployed in the late 90s, I decided that I was going to attend the taping of as many TV shows as I could dressed in the same outfit as to create a character of Matt. Murray who just magically appeared everywhere from The Daily Show (then starring Craig Kilborn), to Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, to The People's Court, which at the time was presided over by Judge Judy's husband, the Honorable Judge Jerry Scheindlin.

My outfit?

A pair of dirty jeans and a beat-up black t-shirt with four strategically placed silver-blue dots, that looked plain but those in the know would recognize as the Jack Kirby Thor tunic.

Although I did have fun and managed to kill some time by going to the shows, the only time I made it to air was on the episode of the People's Court in which I sat behind the plaintiffs smiling the whole time. Although I have been unable to find any photographic or video proof of the appearance, it was confirmed by future Marvel editor and family friend CB Cebulski who saw the episode when he caught wind of the feat I was trying to pull.

Mr. T. Will NOT Pity Fools Who Do Not Treat Their Mothers Right...

2011-05-08T20:36:00.003-04:00

Last Bit of Blarney

2011-03-31T10:00:00.006-04:00

It's the last day of Irish American History Month, and if you haven't checked out the post I did over at MTV Geek about Irish Cartoon characters you can check it out over here.

But before hopping over there, close the month off right with, perhaps, the best rendition of "Danny Boy" ever recorded... Enjoy!

Michael Jackson and Animation

2009-06-25T22:35:00.003-04:00

Over at the SAC Blog I posted a brief look at an animated life (in more ways than one.)

Click on the screen shot from The Jackson 5ive to dance on over:

On Some Outta Space S#!t, Like You Watch Star Trek... WOO-HAA!!!

2009-05-08T19:22:00.009-04:00

When you're faced with the unsolvable problem of 43 years of labyrinthine continuity; 5 television series; countless novels, comic books, collateral and expanded universe lit; and a rabidly loyal fan base protecting a dead property... what do you do?!? What do you do?!? Well, in the case of Star Trek, you do exactly what JJ Abrams did, and pull a James Tiberius Kirk - you throw out the problem and rewrite the rules... and you do it in a way that everyone wins the un-winnable.

Bravo, Mr. Abrams. Bra-fucking-vo.

Without getting too much into the spoiler-y details of the plot (which gets better the more one thinks about it), Star Trek indeed re-introduces us to the original crew of the Starship Enterprise, as all of the hype, news stories and commercials have promised it would for the past couple of years -- and it does so in a way that makes these characters accessible to the generations of the uninitiated that have sprung up and are just looking for a decent action flick, while retaining the characterizations, catchphrases and everything that fans of the original love about the 1966 series.

Most of the actors, especially Karl Urban (who as Leonard "Bones" McCoy is completely unrecognizable, if you only know him as Eomir from Lord of the Rings) do it in a way that rises above an impression of the original performer; and some of the characters, like Uhura, are given so much more to do than their 1960's counterpart that they in fact are another person completely. Zachary Quinto is Spock, by the way. Besides his uncanny resemblance to young Leonard Nimoy, which must have had the septagenarian thinking he was actually having a trippy mirror flashback to the 1960s while he was on the set filming his supporting role as "Spock Prime" (their credit, not mine), Quinto owns the part by putting that quiet slow burn of emotion that fans of Heroes have known for 2.5 seasons to better use than its had in any of the last 20 or so episodes of that dying phenomenon.

The only actor in the mix that I feel bad for is Chris Pine, and its not because he didn't pull his weight. He was fantastic as this verison's Jim Kirk, but he's not Shatner. Unfortunately, a lot of people forget that Shatner wasn't "Shatner" either, at least not until he learned how to laugh at himself in the late 70s/early 80s. In fact, much like the Late Vegas Elvis, Shatner's Kirk wasn't even a good joke until all of the horrible impressions of him catapulted the character into infamy before enjoying what is now a lasting, good natured fame. (I'm sure even affable Bill himself would admit that he was doing an impression of those impressions of himself, when he shouted the word "Khan!" into pop culture immortality circa 1982.) Pine, Abrams and writers Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman even manage to play with all of the fun bits of Shatner's Kirk that have been pointed out and dissected for decades, before letting this Kirk be the unreal, almost bland, action hero prototype that he's supposed to be - the one that he actually was when he swaggered across televisions from 1966-69 like any other cowboy sherriff on the boob tube.

FX and production values are as top notch as a summer actioner should be, and as I'm not an insanely die hard fan, I don't care that the movie's designers had the good sense to update everything a bit -- instead of slavishly adhering to the tech manuals and blueprints that have made book publishers an absolute mint over the years.

The movie's one weak point is the villain, who is more of a plot device than a character. Now, I don't know if it's because he's written that way or because he's played by Eric Bana, who actually managed to make The Hulk boring in 2003. As Nero, a renegade Romulan, he blandly declares his expiration date as the talented "It Boy" people heralded him as five or six years ago. I don't care who this guy was in Australia in the 1990s anymore, so I would appreciate it if critics, producers and directors would stop trying to sell me a faulty bill of goods on the man. He's made nothing but unimpressive crap for years now, and if he needs any more work, he should go back to Australia and try to fill the void that Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe left by being good actors in American movies during roughly the same time frame that Bana "crossed over" too.

Bana's lack of anything in terms of acting or character barely detract from the overall film though, and in no way should that stop anyone who either casually enjoys Summer movies or is a die hard Trek nut from getting in those theaters and catching this great flick. Even Shatner can dig it, and not just because it completely leaves the door open for him coming back the franchise again... Whoops. I said it. But c'mon I was pretty good at staying away from the details thus far... I didn't even tell you how that's at all possible, which is really the reason to see this version of Star Trek.

Fun Fact: "Beam us up, Scotty" was never said on the original show. It entered the popular lexicon via Star Trek: The Animated Series. Also... I'm a complete nerd!

Great Moments in The Goon Hand

2009-05-04T06:07:00.012-04:00

My oldest friend, semi-regular source of inspiration and sometimes personal annoyance Dan Darragh recently made an intentional suggestion for a blog topic that I thought was amusing enough to explore -- as opposed to his playing an unintentional Zmuda by feeding me entire posts via our IM chats. This could probably turn into a series if I feel like putting any work into it. We'll see...

Great Moments in The Goon Hand

We've all probably seen it, if not in real life -- say at a suburban New Jersey strip mall on a Saturday evening -- then at least in the films of Martin Scorsese. I'm talking about "The Goon Hand," which Urban Dictionary defines thusly:

Taking a firm grip of the meaty underside of a woman's upper arm, making it easy to muscle her around. Most times uttering "you're making a scene" into the woman's ear. If done correctly, it will look like you are softly touching her back and whispering something sweet to her, when actually you are leaving 4 small bruises on one side of her arm and one giant thumb bruise on the other side.

Though perceived domestic violence is not fall down laughing funny, The Goon Hand (at least in concept and when executed for entertainment purposes) has an unmistakable place in popular culture, and is at least worth the chuckle that "Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!" still gets to this very day. If you can't muster that much, then I guess this post is not for you. Doesn't make either of us an asshole, now. If you feel your ire percolating, track back to a post about me running around in my underpants when I was a little kid, or, take a look at a picture of me doing it. We're all friends here.

For this installment, I'm paying homage to Casino, in honor of a two week training program I'll be subjecting myself to for a potential stint as a bartender in a slots parlor. It features one of the Crown Princes of The Goon Hand, Robert De Niro, and is directed by - no surprise - Scorsese. Yes, even when playing a mostly non-violent Jew, it seems that Bobby D can't help himself from dealing out the "Guinnea Squeeze" especially when under the watchful eye of his paisan, Marty.

Watch De Niro administer 40 full on seconds of the maneuver to a shrill Sharon Stone in the clip below:

(Note: The Goon Hand clocks in kinda early (at the 1:03 mark), considering the entire clip is about 10 minutes long... and subtitled in Arabic. In addition to violence, the video also contains such horrors as Stone trying to make out with Joe Pesci, so viewer discretion is definitely advised!)

Words & Pictures, Enemies & Allies

2009-04-30T15:41:00.006-04:00

Hey y'all! Do you like superhero stories, but all those damned pictures get in the way when you're reading comics? Well I discuss the cure for that at the Sequential Art Collective Blog! Click HERE to fly on over and read about... reading.

Get in The Spirit

2009-04-21T19:45:00.008-04:00

In all fairness and with whatever journalistic integrity I still carry with me from my days as the ace reporter at The Forum of Queens (R.I.P.) -- before I send you over to my assessment of The Spirit, which was recently released on DVD, I should tell you that I'm on friendly terms with one of the film's producers. I tried not to let my relationship with him, or his early support of the still forming Sequential Art Collective, sway me in my perception of the movie or how I chose to review it for SAC's blog.

I think I was successful in keeping those parts of my brain at bay, however my raging creative hard-on for Frank Miller and my apparent mistrust of people who are blindly devoted to the work of Will Eisner couldn't be stifled.

CLICK HERE to see what the heck I'm talking about.

By the Light of the Silvery Tube

2009-04-14T18:51:00.002-04:00

Hey Actioneer(s)!

Well it looks like my brain is starting to function again after a month of eating tramadol and cyclobenzaprine by the handfuls. If you're here already you've probably seen that a new post about Madonna, Captain Planet and the Crypt Keeper went up yesterday, but did you know I put a new SAC post up today? No? Well you better get over there and check it out...

CLICK HERE to read up on my thoughts about the current state of Adult Swim.

-Action Matt!

If You Call Yourself Madonna...

2009-04-13T14:59:00.014-04:00

Well, if you're named after the woman who birthed the savior, then it should be no surprise that you live with the delusion that your children will rise up and save the world.

Unfortunately, considering that this is the Madonna we're talking about her kids are more likely to grow into the herpes factories that their mother was/is. However, they'll be doing it more out of the ennui of being worth billions of dollars than for the career advancement purposes that dragged Madge out of Detroit and into Dennis Rodman's bedroom.

All in all, I still like the idea that I posited a few years ago that Madonna and Angelina Jolie are actually gathering up all of these third world orphans in a misguided attempt to summon Captain Planet:

Call me delusional, I mean I'm fighting off some kind of superflu and I'm 50 pages into my Saturday Morning exhibit document, but I think Madonna and Angelina Jolie are racing each other to form Captain Planet.

Each has their own biological children, but they're currently scouring the globe and picking up these diverse third world babies to add to their teams of Planeteers.

Now remember the 1990 Captain Planet team featured Wheeler (North America), Linka (Eastern Europe), Gi (Asia), Kwame (Africa) and Ma-Ti (South America) - Gaia's team in the battle against further destruction of the Earth. It was implicit that they weren't the first team, and I assume that they would not be the last. I just had no idea that the next incarnation of Gaia was going to be a hot MILF (yeah I'd still consider Madonna hot, although she's looking a bit like Alfred E. Newman nowadays, and Angelinan well sheesh) - the last one was kinda cute but she was voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, and she had that skunk stripe in her 'do.

Right now, Madonna and Angelina are tied at three each. Madonna has Lourdes, born in America (though half Cuban), Rocco (British), and now David (Malawi.) Angelina has Maddox (Cambodian), Zahara (Ethiopia), and Shiloh (American, though born in Namibia). So the race is on for two more each to fill out the five powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart . They need to start looking in Eastern Europe, so I guess Kosovo or some place is the next place each of them will be hitting up, and Madonna has an advantage because she's on tour.

I guess we'll find out who will win in about 10 or so years when these kids are old enough to scour the globe and call forth the mullet wearing champion. Either way, we all win and so will the environment. - October, 2006

Now, I have to admit I didn't really keep a close eye on this situation in the past two and a half years, but I think that Angelina won in the numbers game after popping out a couple of more kids. There is still time however, as my good friend Jared Gniewek pointed out when I first uncovered this plot:

Earth Day 2020 will be the 50th Earth Day and so will begin the reemergence of the powers of Gaia. Only 14 [ed: now 11] years to go... I would imagine that their ethnically diverse warrior-children will most certainly herald in anew age. One would hope that Stephen Seagal is involved to teach them, as he did America at the end of "On Deadly Ground."

Indeed, Jared. Indeed.

I also feel a need to point out that Madonna is now in no way hot or even the least bit attractive anymore. In fact, rather than looking more like the mostly attractive Earth Mother from Ted Turner's cartoon classic from the 1990s, she has evolved into a completely different star of the sequential arts that got his start in the 50s but is perhaps better known for his 1990s incarnation:

The Crypt Keeper.

Battlestar Sciatica

2009-03-22T20:39:00.002-04:00

Hey Reader(s)!

Action Matt! here. Seems like I'm a step closer to my ultimate dream of becoming a 90 year-old Jewish woman, as I battle the onset of sciatica. Yes, sciatica. As I mentioned on my facebook profile, only a diet of broth and hard candies stand in my way of calling every one "bubbellah" and pinching cheeks while gushing over a child's "shana punim."

Oy vey iz mir! If only this farshlepteh krenk would leave me already! I could let out a geshrie and plotz...

BEST. COSTUME. EVER.

2009-03-13T18:39:00.005-04:00

Watch Transforming Transformer Costume and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Thanks to Kev @ rhcomics.com for shedding some light my way.

Friday the 13th: Part II

2009-03-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

A(nother) Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Robey, My Dearest:

Your silence in reference to last month's letter is vexing.

As is this video of you singing One Night in Bangkok:

There's so much to answer for now, I fear that my love may crumble under the weight of the lovely mystery that is you.

Luckily, there's another Friday the 13th in this calendar year, so I'll wait with baited breath to hear back from you then...

Till November - I'll remain yours truly,

Action Matt!

Best Bailout Pitch Going...

2009-03-12T19:57:00.001-04:00

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm from Jon Hamm

Well, It Wasn't Animation... So What Else Can You Call It?

2009-03-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

This week's Media Madness is mostly about Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic. No witticisms or comments before sending you over the the ol' SAC Blog this week. I spent all of my brain cells writing the post.

Click HERE to see what I'm talking about.

Image from joblo.com

Ghost Rider! nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh HEAD ON FIRE!

2009-03-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

Almost missed it, but...

Happy National Ghost Rider's Week!

Wait... Huh? Oh Ghost WRITER's Week. My oops.

I could make a back handed plug here, but instead I'll make an incendiary one... Incendiary, get it? It's a reference to the flaming skull... uh... oh well... In celebration, I suggest you go out and read your favorite long running comic strip. Odds are it hasn't been written by the credited author in the past ten years at least. Believe me, I've met the guys who actually write them. And in most cases I wouldn't want my name on that stuff either.

All the World is Waitng for You...

2009-03-05T23:10:00.000-05:00

What a truly horrible theme song that was, eh? Horribly Awesome!

Any hoo, I found myself pinch-writing for a friend at the Sequential Art Collective blog today, literally at the last minute. Or actually, the first, as the news hit me at about midnight. Stayed up all last night watching the newly released animated Wonder Woman DVD from Warner Premiere's DC Universe line and scribbling my thoughts about it HERE. Check it all out... both the post and the movie, because IMHO both are completely worth your while.

Original artwork from Challenge Super Friends, 1978.

They Shoot Conservative Movies Don't They?

2009-03-03T23:01:00.008-05:00

I’m not necessarily a political person. Don’t let the fact that I went to the Obama inauguration confuse you. Yes, I did vote for him. But no, I was not one of those Randy Marsh-style Barack-O-philiacs who drunkenly screamed “Who let the Obama out?!?” at 11:00 PM on November 4th. My vote, my first ever, was actually cast against John McCain and Sarah Palin, who I found to be conniving, moronic, pandering, circus freaks during their campaign. In short, I wanted them no where near the White House and (especially) off of my damn television.

I went to the Inauguration to take part in and observe first-hand, what was at its core a cultural movement. Never in my lifetime had I seen, nor do I believe will I see again, such a positive outpouring of emotion over anything, let alone the act of swearing in an American President. It was considered the culmination of a dream that couldn’t have been whispered two-hundred years prior, and for many in the black community, it was a high watermark in their lives – as evidenced by their wearing their Sunday best and mink coats (men and women alike) to essentially spend a day on crowded subway cars only to stand on a street corner in Washington, DC.

My one camera phone pic from 1/20/09

Was it a special experience? Absolutely. There was a miraculous kind of buzz that kept everyone warm on that cold January morning, as hundreds of thousands of people mobbed the Mall. Everyone was, for the most part, upbeat, friendly and (excuse me for using this word) hopeful, and never before did I have so large a crowd to bounce my pithy comments off of. It was a blast. Would I do it again? Probably not. Unless I feel as strongly against someone as I did the McCain/Palin ticket, I don’t know if I’ll even vote again. And I’m currently registered in a swing state. My vote actually counts, now. I’m not a political person, and most times I believe that politics and politicians are essentially all the same in the American system. So, really why bother?

I do know one thing though -- I am not a conservative. While I may agree with the random ideal that they espouse, if it’s rational, I generally despise most vocal right wingers in the Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Sarah Palin vein -- mainly because they’re assholes -- and they’ve basically given that stamp to the rest of that clique and its followers. Sure, there are assholes on both sides, and those particular conservative assholes might not speak for the whole movement, but let’s face it right now they’re at the forefront and I dislike them more than the liberal assholes. It’s my choice. If you disagree, that’s great. It’s America. You’re allowed.

I have friends, acquaintances, even immediate family that subscribe to conservative ideologies and I don’t go picking fights with them over it. It’s not worth it. Unless, of course, they try to drag something that I love, or know a helluva lot about into their mess, then it’s fucking war. This is why the gloves came off when I got an e-mail forwarding me the National Review’s Top 25 Conservative Movies of the Past 25 Years. Granted it was sent to me by a friend of mine from high school, who probably doesn’t know my political, or even a-political leanings, but knows that I went to film school and might find the list of interest. I’ll give him the benefit of that doubt, but in his agreeing with many of the films on the list I felt a general need to take him, the other people he forwarded the list to, and the compiler John J. Mitchell to task.

Sorry guys. Either you saw different movies than I did (possible considering the subjective nature of the artform) or you’re on some serious drugs (like Limbaugh and/or the entire state of Alaska – and if so can I get some, my back has been killing me lately and I’ve all but stopped drinking.) Let’s take a look at some of the movies that made the list, and what they had to say about them:

300 (2007): During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free. Beneath a layer of egregious non-history — including goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic — is a stylized story about the ancient battle of Thermopylae and the Spartan defense of the West’s fledgling institutions. It contrasts a small band of Spartans, motivated by their convictions and a commitment to the law, with a Persian horde that is driven forward by whips. In the words recorded by the real-life Herodotus: “Law is their master, which they fear more than your men[, Xerxes,] fear you.”

Well, first of all there’s already been a slew of Gulf War movies, just ask Jaime Foxx, he was in most of them. The problem is the good ones, or at least the ones that made any headlines or box office, were the anti-Iraq movies. That’s not Hollywood’s fault. I’m willing to let you have your interpretation of this because Frank Miller has been accused of being a radical conservative, and his graphic novel on which this movie was based does evidence some of those leanings. However, my interpretation of it is that it’s a movie about stories and storytellers, and how history can be painted in a way to incite a movement. It’s not a history. The whole story is told in a warped flashback by Delios, on the eve of declared war on the Persian Army. It’s equivalent to the Crispin’s Day speech in Shakespeare’s Henry V. Remember, Delios is sent back to Sparta even before the battle of Thermopylae actually begins, because he has the gift to tell tales. It’s his job as a fallen soldier to rally the rest of the country to war. As for the “goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic,” how do you know that the Spartans didn’t fight mutant rhinoceri? If you believe the Creation Museum, which maybe as a conservative you do, man and dinosaurs co-existed. Maybe it was a trained triceratops and its rider was Fred Flintstone enjoying the cool flavor of a Winston.

I actually own this, currently on loan to the Sequential Art Collective.

Juno (2007): The best pro-life movies reach beyond the church choirs and influence the wider public. Juno was a critical and commercial success. It didn’t set out to deliver a message on abortion, but much of its audience discovered one anyway. The story revolves around a 16-year-old who finds a home for her unplanned baby. The film has its faults, including a number of crass moments and a pregnant high-school student with an unrealistic level of self-confidence. Yet it also exposes a broken culture in which teen sex is dehumanizing, girls struggle with “choice,” and boys aimlessly try — and sometimes downright fail — to become men. The movie doesn’t glamorize much of anything but leaves audiences with an open-ended chance for redemption.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: Pro-Choice does not mean Anti-Life. If it did, then Darkseid could easily have taken over the world with the ruling of Roe v. Wade. (Bonus points if you don’t have to hit the link to know what I’m talking about.) Having a baby when you’re an American teenager, is a choice. Juno sets out to have an abortion, she even mocks the “pro-life” girl that tries to stop her, but then decides not to. Now, it’s also a choice to give said baby to a soon to be single woman, whose emotional unavailability and constant harping of her immature husband has driven him to look for a 16 year-old pregnant strange - not exactly the most “family values” choice is it? Not very conservative at all. And you do know that this movie was written by an ex-stripper who named herself after the Devil, right?

The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president — whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war — don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.

Whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… I know it was long, but did you watch the whole movie? Batman knowingly does everything he does as a vigilante, and he basically hates the fact that he’s worshipped as a hero. He comes to disagree with his own choice to operate outside of the law and support the righteous law abiding ideals of Harvey Dent, which is why at the end of the movie he chooses to take credit for crimes he didn’t commit – concocting a plan that paints him out to be a worse criminal than he actually is. That’s what that whole Jim Gordon monologue was about, Cochise. Were you paying attention or just waiting for Gary Oldman to say Dark Knight so you can jump out of your seat and cheer? Does that at all sound like George W. Bush -- who made the illegal legal and constantly pandered to the press and wore a flight suit to “build a legacy”? I didn’t think so. Plus, at what point does Batman do anything to advance Bruce Wayne and the Penguin’s stock portfolios? He doesn’t. He actually does the exact opposite by wasting his company’s money to effectively stop crime, instead of hiring Wayne Enterprises to say go out into the streets and actively commit more crime or incite the citizens of Gotham to more violence. Ha…Ha…Haliburton. I totally sneezed, sorry.

Brazil (1985): Vividly depicting the miserable results of elitist utopian schemes, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil portrays a darkly comic dystopia of malfunctioning high-tech equipment and the dreary living conditions common to all totalitarian regimes. Everything in the society is built to serve government plans rather than people. The film is visually arresting and inventive, with especially evocative use of shots that put the audience in a subservient position, just like the people in the film. Terrorist bombings, national-security scares, universal police surveillance, bureaucratic arrogance, a callous elite, perversion of science, and government use of torture evoke the worst aspects of the modern megastate.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….

You do realize that this was made in response to the oppression of the Thatcher administration, right?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah… ah. Brilliant.

I can understand conservatives' cognitive dissonance, or at least know that they live almost in a state of it, considering that conservative Republicans recently released a video in which they celebrate their own defeat in the stimulus war. Really… you cast 0 votes? And… it sill passed? That's like the Detroit Lions celebrating this past football season as a championship year. Perfect record! 0-16! Oh and that video (which was set to Aerosmith song about a hooker, and another video which compared any union to the Sopranos and made its “point” through the rampant use of profanity) was made by some "family values" spoutin', clown shoe wearin' prick. (I'd put up links to these videos that Eric Cantor has denied sending out, but they've been removed from the internet. Thanks for enforcing your copyright Aerosmith!)

Team America: World Police (2004): This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture. As the heroes move to stop a WMD apocalypse, they clash with Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, and a host of others, whom they take out with gunfire, sword, and martial arts before saving the day. The movie, like South Park itself, reveals Parker and Stone as the two-headed George Grosz of American satire.

Um, the first two sentences of your review basically call it the best satire of conservative fear mongering as well. It’s hard to categorize as conservative, because like any true piece of intelligent satire, it skews both sides. I think you kind of know that already though, so I’ll lay off. However, you really should stop grasping for straws.

Ultimately, I do realize that this list on the whole is just a desperate grasp at relevancy by a handful of dipwads who have had the misfortune to wake up and find themselves on the fringe of a society they controlled for eight years... Sorry guys. Hope you really don't believe any of this stuff. Keep on truckin', and thanks for the laughs. I'd say keep 'em coming, but you'd ultimately just end up pissing me off. So keep it to yourselves, and stay off my damned TV!

Like Seussical, but with Less Rosie O'Donnell

2009-03-02T12:00:00.007-05:00

Please check out the new MMM post.
Of all of my favorites, it is the most.

It celebrates a man who was most influential,
on the media I love, the Arts Sequential...

The rest of the rhyme time's writ over HERE
Click on the link for Seuss birthday cheer!

Original art by me, from back when I made envelopes for stamp collectors.

Unfortunate Filler: More Ledger/Joker Stuff

2009-02-25T02:37:00.011-05:00

Hey Actioneer(s?),

I'm trying to iron out a technical issue with a pretty lengthy post I wrote about this list of movies that Conservatives (the Head Honchos of Hollywood Hating) are trying to claim for their own nefarious purposes. In the meantime, here's about the only Christian Bale rant joke that I actually thought was funny:

Works on SOOOOOOOO many levels...

Click on the image to see other spoof posters from CollegeHumor.com

More later, I hope! - AM!

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na...

2009-02-23T12:00:00.009-05:00

Not even Batman could have stopped a certain joker from stealing an Oscar last night. Check out this week's Monday Media Madness post I wrote for the Sequential Art Collective and read all about it.

Click HERE to flip the Shakespeare head and slide down the proverbial Batpole.

"I had a dream I was a vigilante's sidekick..."

Looks Like My Office

2009-02-22T12:54:00.009-05:00

Art by Jonathan Godoy. You can buy a print of it HERE

I'm not kidding. All it's missing is the Sword of Omens...

Apocalypse Watch: 1 Day Closer

2009-02-20T16:07:00.004-05:00

I saw these at the supermarket today. I don't know why I became so fascinated with or frightened by them. It's just a McGriddles on a stick, right?

Oh yeah, that's why... because it's a fucking McGriddles...On A Stick!!!

They're probably delicious, I wouldn't know... but I do know that they're definitely another tick of the big hand on the End-of-Days clock.

Basic Math for Sports Reporters

2009-02-18T07:35:00.002-05:00

Evidently the Reporter Didn't Go to College Either, or Grade School...

At A-Roid's press conference yesterday, a learned reporter's question included the following math problem:

"...you said you took (it) twice a month for three years. Basic math would make that 36 times. Why would someone inject something into their system 36 times, who is a professional athlete and wants a long career if you don't know what it is, if you were doing it right?"

2 times X 3 years X 12 months in a year = 72 injections

That's my basic math, homes, and I showed the work. He clearly wasn't doing it right if he only took half the doses now was he, you fucking genius?

How can you try to call someone out on their stupidity when your math is wrong? Epic fail, douche wad.

Unfortunately, unlike A-Roid and probably this bastion of journalism, I went to college - a good one too - and thanks to this economy I haven't been able to find steady work in months - but these goddamn dipshits get paid too much to play and talk about a game.

To each their own struggle, I guess... I'll shut up now about this and go back to rambling about He-Man and The Smurfs. For free. yay sports...

What's My Next Tattoo - You Decide!

2009-02-18T00:00:00.011-05:00

At the end of this year I'll be getting another nerd tattoo. Because I'm up in the air on what aspect of my misspent youth I want to celebrate next, I'm leaving it up to you, my faithful reader(s), to decide. Here are raw images of the choices -- which are approximations of what I'm thinking of, but in no way represent the final art:

The Shield of He-Man

or

Comics Code Authority Seal

You can vote via the poll below my bio, on the right hand side of this page. Polling will close on November 30th, 2009 at 9:00AM. (My 33rd Birthday.) I'll get the ink sometime in mid-December. I'll post updates on the art as they're available -- or, if you're an artist, and you want to take a stab at interpreting either of these iconic emblems e-mail your designs to matt@sacart.org

On the Darkside... Oh Yeah-hey-ah!

2009-02-16T00:00:00.003-05:00

How was long deceased EC Comics publisher William M. Gaines haunting last week's DVD releases? You should check out the Sequential Art Collective blog to find out.

Click HERE to fumble over to a fabulous Fright Fest.

Crypty and Papa Bill make a posthumous appearance at a 2007 Halloween party.

Happy Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T11:53:00.011-05:00

An Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Oh Robey,

Star of the bafflingly titled Friday the 13th: The Series...

...Only Wilma Flintstone pre-dates you in my love of shapely red heads with strange and annoying voices.

Sure, you can blame your accent on being Canadian, but can you broil an entire rack of Brontosaurus ribs? Or at least satisfactorily explain how a string of movies about a slasher in a hockey mask was turned into a TV show aboot two "cousins" tracking down cursed antiques?

The 13th falls on a Friday again in March. So, you have a month to come up with something.

- Love,
Action Matt!

The William Holden Helmet

2009-02-11T00:00:00.010-05:00

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.

However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.

(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)

HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!: Now?

HELMET HEAD: The American Dream * in action. indeed
HELMET HEAD: I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good
HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!: Cool

HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!: Yeah I just searched that
ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD: I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm

ACTION MATT!: lol

HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD: Absolutely
HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:

ACTION MATT!: Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD: Totally!

ACTION MATT!: What did you do to modify the helmet?

HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!: And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?

HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD: Best. Holden helmet. Ever.
HELMET HEAD: I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared
HELMET HEAD: No shit

ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD: Heh
HELMET HEAD: Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is
HELMET HEAD: 33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet
HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!: Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…

HELMET HEAD: Don’t tell me these things, not now man*

ACTION MATT!: …or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan…

HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD: This mask is cracking me up
HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.

I've Still Got It (The Power, That Is)

2009-02-09T12:00:00.005-05:00

There's a new Monday Media Madness about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe up at the Sequential Art Collective blog.

Hold aloft your magic sword and click HERE to check it out.

Smurf Life, Part 1: Fan/Boy

2009-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was in the hospital last week visiting my newborn nephew, when I met a little kid proudly displaying his freshly pressed Thomas the Tank Engine water-activated tattoo. It was on the backside of his hand, which not-so-coincidently held some plastic replica of one of Thomas's buddies.

As I sat in the hospital room, cradling a stuffed Smurf in my left arm, I smiled when the kid ran up to me and proudly proclaimed: “I have a tattoo! And I have the toy! Look!”

“That’s awesome, homes” I replied. “Me too.”

(I should say here that the stuffed Smurf I was carrying was for my nephew. My own was at home on one of my shelves. I don’t take the Smurf out and carry him around. I mean, I would, but that would just get him all dirty.)

“Can I see?” he asked, as he pulled his hand out my face.

I put the Smurf in my nephew's crib, obligingly unbuttoned my over-shirt and started pulling up the sleeve of my tee, when I stopped and asked:

“Do you like spooky things?”

“No, I like baseball.”

“Well, if and when you do, ask me again.” I put my button down back on.

How the hell do you explain a smurf skull to a four year-old? The Smurf I was holding was probably the first one he’d ever seen, and there I was about to give him a glimpse of the end of their multi-century life cycle. I mean, he probably has never even heard of Tupac (although I have to admit, I have no idea what kids are listening to nowadays), so would he even get the “Thug Life” reference that crowns the art?

His father, one of my brother's friends, did get the reference and appreciated Death’s Head Smurf - as he’s been named - after I showed him and his curious girlfriend later on (and out of the kid’s sight.) They got a bigger kick out of it after I explained that I was probably the country’s leading, if not only, self-proclaimed Smurfologist.

Then the usual string of questions came…

What’s with Smurfette? Why is she the only female smurf? How do they reproduce? How did you get to be a Smurfologist?

The answers:

How do you mean? She’s not. They don’t, the stork brings the new babies. And well, that’s a long one…

Got a minute? Because maybe it’s time we put this one on the record. Might take a bit.

The Smurfs animated series debuted on September 12^th, 1981 at 8:30AM. I was four. At the time, I believed it was perhaps the most amazing hour of television that I had ever sat through in my life. Then on the following Friday, I saw the newest episode of The Incredible Hulk and exactly the same thing. But, on Saturday the 19^th The Smurfs was on again, and that reclaimed the prize. This cycle continued until the Hulk was canceled at the end of that season. Then, I’m sure another show took over for it almost instantaneously. Remember, I was four. That’s how things like that go when you’re four.

I honestly don’t remember too much from that time, but I do remember that I became absolutely obsessed with The Smurfs. How could I not? They spoke in their own uber-cool language, they were adorable as all get out and because the Wallace Berrie company had started to import European Smurf toys as early as 1978, they already had toys on the market that I could annoy my parents for.

It was a huge phenomenon. Everyone watched The Smurfs, from my older brother who claimed it was “dumb” - although he sat with me for hours crafting little replicas with our Paas Make Your Own Smurf Kit – straight through to my grandmother, who at 60 years old tuned in so she could have something to talk about with me during our weekly phone calls.

Below is a composite reconstruction of conversations that occurred between young Matthew C. Murray and Anna T. Cole, from 1981 to 1983, based on various family recollections:

Grandma: Did you watch The Mertz today, Matthew?

Matthew: They’re smurfed Smurfs, Me-Ma.

Grandma: Don’t be a whiner, Matthew.

Matthew: I’m not whining.

Grandma: Then, what... are you crying?

Matthew: I’m not crying, Me-Ma.

Grandma: Of course you are, I can hear it in your voice.

Matthew: I’M NOT CRYING! Jeez, what is your smurf broken?

Grandma: It’s going to be okay, Matthew. Stop crying.

Matthew (actually starting to cry, angrily): I…I…I’m not cr-cr-crying!!!

Grandma (laughing): Well, I watched The Mertz today and that Gargamel sure is funny, huh?

Matthew: (uncontrollable sobbing)

Grandma (mock condolence): Aw... Why don't you sing a song for me, Matthew?

Matthew: (to the tune of the early 80s Noodle Roni Parmesano jingle) Noodle Roni Parmagiana, a bit-doe-wo-wit-doe-wee*!

Matthew slams the phone down in utter disgust. Grandma calls back laughing hysterically.

* Translated: "...a bit of Old Italy"

Years went by. The Smurfs expanded to a 90 minute show, then went back to an hour show, then back to 90 minutes based on the failings of other Saturday morning offerings. It moved to 9:00. Then the Smuflings came on the scene. Then Puppy. Then Grandpa. All the while, other shows had slowly been eroding my viewership. Other more exciting shows, with a more “sophisticated” sense of humor and better tie-ins like the Muppet Babies and Lazer Tag.

And let’s face it, The Smurfs had become “kids stuff.” All-in-all, I collected the odd Smurf and occasionally watched the cartoon until I reached the age that I could no longer hide it from my friends that I did so. Oh, that and the Superfriends: Super Power Team: Galactic Guardians Show was so much cooler anyway.

It was time to put childish things away, and embrace Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling. I was nine. That’s how things like that go when you’re nine.

Stay 'Tooned for Part 2…

No Surprise - It's A Water Pipe! Ha!

2009-02-03T15:03:00.011-05:00

Well this explains the 12,000 calorie a day diet.

Yeah, I don't actually care about Michael Phelps... except for the whole Aquaman connection, I guess. But this has been so inescapable, that I felt that I was technically required to produce a pithy comment or two, or else my citizenship would be revoked, or something. yay sports...

The Hulk of 123rd Street

2009-02-02T18:50:00.019-05:00

Hey Actioneers!

A new post about my 30 year history with the Hulk and my thoughts on his recent DVD is up at the Sequential Art Collective blog.

Click HERE to learn more about this elusive beast:

The creature in his natural habitat, c. 1980

Matt. Murray's Monday Media Madness

2009-02-02T12:00:00.015-05:00

In addition to my random ramblings over here, I'm also blogging weekly for the Sequential Art Collective .

Besides my fanboy mess, you can get a regular look into the brains of some of my favorite people on the planet including: Jennifer Babcock, Jared Gniewek, Justin Maudslien, Michael Carlisle, Leah Schnelbach, Lee French, Allan Dorison and Kevin Gillespie. It updates with different and diverse dubiousness daily. So make sure to bookmark it and incorporate it into your web browsing routine.

Click on the logo below to check it out:

Zihuatanejo

2009-02-01T22:15:00.023-05:00

On January 31st, 2009 at around 8:20PM my brother, Brian Murray, welcomed his son Andrew Thomas to the world. His initials ATM, are a pretty obvious reference to my brother's first passion - cash. However, the name Andrew - Andy as he will be called by most, but I, the stubborn, contrary prick that I am will probably call him Drew to annoy everyone - was a bit of enigma.

With no Andy's of note in either bloodline , how did he and his wife decide upon the name? I asked and was shocked at the answer: "Shawshank. I named him after Andy Dufresne from Shawshank."

No. Shit. After spending the better part of my life being ridiculed by this person for loving both movies and Stephen King, he turned around and named the fruit of his looms after a character in the best film ever adapted from one of King's stories.

Note the similarity in the hats as well.

The easy joke to throw in at this point would be, that he was named Andy, because like his namesake, he crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine.

And I guess, yeah, I said it.

My apologies to those who came to this party ill prepared for a joke about the birthing process and my sister-in-law's vagina.

Wait! I take that back, if you came to this party at all, you should have seen that coming before I did. That's basically how I roll.

I guess, if the kid doesn't like the name he can blame TNT, which played the movie non-stop for 10 years straight, basically making it everyone's favorite movie of all time. Don't believe me? Check the IMDB. However, I suspect that my brother might have liked it a bit before all of that, like when I first brought a VHS copy home from Sam Goody in 1995 and made the whole family watch it -- but he never would have admitted it then. So, cheers to Brian for coming out of the movie geek closet. Even a little bit. All these years later. I'm not sure it makes up for the years of psychological torture he subjected me to, but it's a step.

So, on to the point I should be making, away from whining about the past and toward the less obvious joke. Ultimately it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing, or a "that's funny if you know Brian" joke, and as 99% of you don't know him or weren't there, I hope that you think it's funny anyway... I hope that you laugh or chuckle even a little... I hope...

Now, even though he made me feel like crap for liking the movies I liked, there were a handful of films that I know Brian enjoyed, still loves or watched a lot at various points in his life. If Andy really doesn't like his name, here's a list of names that he possibly could have been called based on my brother's taste in film. (Take 'em or leave 'em, kid) :

Top 10 Alternative Names for Andy Thomas Murray
(Click the name to go to the movie it's from, if it's not obvious already)

10. Eddie Barsoom Murray
9. Dr. Mark Sloan Murray (Yeah it's TV, but it's one for his wife)
8. Bruce LeRoy Murray
7. Bodahi
6. Captain Oveur Murray
5. Bill Ray Valentine Murray
4. Liberate Tutame Murray
3. McKenzie Hoser Murray
2. Simon MacCorkindale Murray (TV again, but had to chart never-the-less)
1. Jake Elwood Murray

Either way congrats to the Murrays of Long Island! Eagerly looking forward to the eventual arrival of Jessica Fletcher Murray (again probably his wife's choice, she has the tastes of a 90 year-old alzheimer's patient)...

Andy and Brian Murray, 1/31/09

Kev, Me and BSG

2009-01-17T08:56:00.008-05:00

Kev Gillespie posted this first, so props to him.

Action Matt: Do you watch BSG?
@rhcomics: i just fucking watched it godammit
@rhcomics: god fucking dammit
Action Matt: yeah right
Action Matt: whaTTTT?
@rhcomics: jesus christ
Action Matt: really?!?
@rhcomics: i was pissed when they revealed the first 4
@rhcomics: but THIS
@rhcomics: fuck you
Action Matt: The Dualla thing was cool
@rhcomics: yeah cause i couldnt fucking stand her
Action Matt: at first I thought maybe they were prepping us for her to be it
Action Matt: then clap
@rhcomics: yeah it was such a nice surprise
Action Matt: But Ellen?
Action Matt: c’mon
Action Matt: c’mon
@rhcomics: fuck man
Action Matt: I’ll cut them 2 episodes worth of slack
Action Matt: this shit better right itself
@rhcomics: fuckin a
@rhcomics: dont even start with that zombie starbuck shit
@rhcomics: wtf man
@rhcomics: come on
Action Matt: clearly there’s some kind of regenerative thing going on
Action Matt: The five
Action Matt: Starbuck
Action Matt: but c’mon
@rhcomics: cmooooon— she was like— she was an unpleasant character
@rhcomics: so much tht she was another one where it was “hey awesome, saul killed her”
Action Matt: Someone was bound to
@rhcomics: jesus
Action Matt: yeah
Action Matt: I’m hurt and dismayed right now
Action Matt: heh
@rhcomics: dude me too
@rhcomics: they spit in our coke
@rhcomics: they stole OUR fries
Action Matt: hahahahahahaha
Action Matt: I WASN’T DONE WITH THOSE!
@rhcomics: HEY GODAMMIT! I WAS JUST TAKING A PISS!
Action Matt: it all comes full circle
@rhcomics: fuck
@rhcomics: this is like [EX-GF] is the final cylon
Action Matt: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
@rhcomics: this is like tigh had a flashback and like fucking [EX-GF] is there for no reason
@rhcomics: and then roll the fucking credits
@rhcomics: that really sucked matt
Action Matt: eh what can do
@rhcomics: true
@rhcomics: it won't disapoint
@rhcomics: they know they shit so far
Action Matt: Wait, I’m pissed again
Action Matt: yup
Action Matt: I’m pissed
Action Matt: I’m seeing a strong association between Ellen Tigh and [EX-GF] for you
@rhcomics: dude im tigh
@rhcomics: fucking cotton ball duct taped to my face
Action Matt: heh
@rhcomics: sobbing while i strangle her with a belt
Action Matt: I wonder if they matched the shot of him choking her, with him taking the rock off her throat
Action Matt: filmicaally that would be interesting
Action Matt: FOR A TRULY SHITTY MOMENT
@rhcomics: hahaha
@rhcomics: this is like— ugh— this is like when they brought jason todd back but he ended up being clayface then he ended up being jason todd
Action Matt: I really think it was supposed to be Starbuck
Action Matt: they shot it done
Action Matt: then they threw money at them
Action Matt: Earth’s dead, Starbuck’s a cylon
Action Matt: end of show
@rhcomics: yup
Action Matt: hey you can make 9 more of these if you want
Action Matt: but it’s over!
Action Matt: here’s some money, and then you get to make a bunch of Sci Fi channel movies afterward to try to fix it
Action Matt: well, okay
Action Matt: it beats making Sasquatch Mountain: The Return
Action Matt: and the Bionic Woman failed
Action Matt: sure!
Action Matt: Wait is Tricia Hefler still hot? Ah we’ll fix her in post
@rhcomics: scifi channel movies eh? ok how about we get mark hamill and tawny kitean versus uh— velociraptors— uh cyberspace velociraptors— we’ll call it HEART OF THE RAPTOR: THE RETURN TO CYBERSPACE RAPTOR ISLAND
Action Matt: Somebody get Lance Henriksen’s agent on the horn
Action Matt: We’ve got Dean Cain signed up for second lead!
Action Matt: I have Chiller TV, which is Sci Fi channel’s sister station and they’re showing 2 Sci-Fi channel classics: “Basilisk: The Serpent King” with Jeremy London and “Mega Snake”
@rhcomics: holy fuck man
Action Matt: Dude 3AM - Alien Express with Lou Diamond Phillips and Todd Bridges

If you're not reading his stuff regularly, you should. go here, now: http://giant-girls.tumblr.com/

Chinese Democracy: The Danny Darragh Commentary

2008-11-29T21:02:00.007-05:00

Danny Darragh, c. The Spaghetti Incident

I met Dan Darragh when we were in 8th grade, and some part of us will always be that age when we talk or hang out -- despite the fact that we are now in our thirties. The former informs my continuing to call him Danny, and his marveling at my doing so exemplifies the latter.

So, Danny Darragh and I used to listen to Guns N Roses back when cassettes still drove industry record sales. We listened to them all of the time, almost non stop – when no listening to Motley Crue, I guess. We, along with Dave Wilson -- the third Musketeer, would: call girls we liked and leave GnR lyrics on messages; decorate the cover of our canvas binders with Robt. Williams rip-offs; and design GnR tattoos that we all were going to get when we turned eighteen.

We were going to be in a band, you see. Dave was going to sing and play guitar, I was going to play bass, and Danny would play the drums. Surely we’d get to writing our own songs, once we learned how to play instruments and in turn learned all of the GnR catalog -- which at that time only included Appetite for Destruction and Lies.

Of the three of us, Danny was the only one who took that dream kind of seriously. I don’t know if he ever thought that the three of us would actually form a band, but he actually took up an instrument and did the plan one better by teaching himself how to play the drums by learning the Guns n Roses catalog.

God bless him. He kept up the drums for years, popping in and out of bands throughout the 1990s before forming Varistor, a band that made somewhat of a mark on the NY indie music scene back in the early oughts.

Dan stayed into GnR, too. For as long as Axl and Slash kept it together that is. I remember him taping every video, concert and TV appearance through the Use Your Illusions and the Spaghetti Incident. The day the cassette single for You Could Be Mine came out – with the Terminator 2 cover art – was a holiday for him. For both of us. I remember going to the Wall on Austin Street in Forest Hills to pick up copies. Even in our late teens and early twenties, as our tastes “matured” into grunge and then lo-fi indie, he and I would always go back to the well and dust off Appetite. If not just for the end of "Rocket Queen." The sweet ballad part that comes after Steven Tyler’s girlfriend does.

Now Axl, sans Slash and Duff – the real core of the band, has bothered to release a new album and call it Guns n Roses. Of course I wanted to know what Dan thought.

So, here’s a copied and edited transcript of an IM session between the two of us that I call, Chinese Democracy: The Danny Darragh Commentary. Enjoy!

Dan: Have you heard the new AC/DC single?

Matt.: Nah, does it sound like every other ACDC song ever?

Dan: Absolutely, and rocks well

Matt.: AC/DC does, indeed, rock well

DAN SENDS MATT. AC/DC’S ROCK N ROLL TRAIN

Matt: Yup.

Matt: That's ACDC, alright

Matt: Hey, how's Chinese Democracy?

Matt: I'm probably picking it up this weekend

Dan: I only heard the single. Don’t give a shit bout the album. Not GnR

Matt: Really?

Dan: That ain’t Guns n Roses, dude.

Matt: Well, sure it's just Axl

Dan: I’ve heard enough leaks over the years to recognize it’s overproduced

Dan: I should buy the record just to be a completist, though. I guess. lol

Dan: 10 bucks on iTunes. Downloading now…

DAN PROCEEDS TO DO A TRACK BY TRACK BREAKDOWN OF THE RECORD AS HE LISTENS TO IT

Dan: Track 1. Word. The single. Title track. Ain’t half bad

Dan: Track2. So far standard Axl Rose "leave me be, dont tell me what to do" stuff. Not so bad, actually. Marilyn Manson influence

Dan: 199wha?

Dan: Neat, anthemic chorus

Dan: Track 3. It’s called "Better." Wow, more Axl being maudlin

Dan: I hear a couple different guitar tone

Dan: Definitely buy it its good to listen to

Dan: Fun

Dan: Ugh. The bass tone trying to be Duff, though.

Dan: "Street of Dreams" is as cheesy as "Yesterdays"

Dan: Holy shit, the way these cats try for Slash's pentatonic scale solo

Dan: thingy

Dan: I need to read the album credits

Dan: I like it though, ‘cause it’s fun to hear Axl’s voice. heh

Dan: “Street of Dreams” favorite so far

Dan: "If the World"... again with the production

Matt: That's what took 14 years, dude

Dan: Ah crap. If I approach this without GnR, I couldn’t like this stuff

Dan: Ugh. Dude this is no rock

Dan: There is so much layering on this tune

Matt: Someone described it as Axl's shot a trying to be Phil Spector

Dan: Heh, ya

Dan: As I listen deeper, there is less personality

Dan: Ah, this is "There Was a Time." One of the leaks I heard. I liked it ‘cause it was Axl

Dan: Axl without Slash is like a day without sunshine, though

Dan: Hot dog, no bun. All that malarkey

Dan: It also sounds like he has been using electric piano

Dan: On this particular number, perhaps he dumped his free dr pepper on the yamaha

Dan: I HATE how guitar-fer-hire guy feels he must emulate Slash

Dan: Ugh

Dan: "Catcher in the Rye" sounds Use-Your-Illusion-2-ish

Dan: BLARGH KEYBOARD sampling

Dan: Tortured lyrics you would expect

Dan: Sounds like the chorus was recorded a week after…

Dan: …like I can hear the "punch ins"

Dan: Wow, the further in it sounds like a vanity album. I guess it is

Dan: There’s no band synergy

Dan: Wow

Dan: "Scraped" -- This one aint bad

Dan: This one sounds like a bunch of people made it

Dan: A band made it

Dan: I think I’m gonna go back to listening to Tom Petty

Matt: How many tracks in did you get?

Dan: I’m bored at track 9 out of 14

Dan: "I’m sorry for you, not sorry for me"... these type of lyrics

Dan: It’s fun to hear Axl’s voice in new shit, though

Dan: Finally, heh

Matt: "It's been 14 years of silence, It's been 14 years of pain, It's been 14 years that are gone for ever and I'll never have again"

Matt: How prophetic on his part

I didn’t buy the album, BTW. After all of that I figured I could wait till someone else handed me off a rip. I mean if Danny Darragh could barely muster up any kind of endorsement, why bother?