I went to the Inauguration to take part in and observe first-hand, what was at its core a cultural movement. Never in my lifetime had I seen, nor do I believe will I see again, such a positive outpouring of emotion over anything, let alone the act of swearing in an American President. It was considered the culmination of a dream that couldn’t have been whispered two-hundred years prior, and for many in the black community, it was a high watermark in their lives – as evidenced by their wearing their Sunday best and mink coats (men and women alike) to essentially spend a day on crowded subway cars only to stand on a street corner in Washington, DC.
My one camera phone pic from 1/20/09 Was it a special experience? Absolutely. There was a miraculous kind of buzz that kept everyone warm on that cold January morning, as hundreds of thousands of people mobbed the Mall. Everyone was, for the most part, upbeat, friendly and (excuse me for using this word) hopeful, and never before did I have so large a crowd to bounce my pithy comments off of. It was a blast. Would I do it again? Probably not. Unless I feel as strongly against someone as I did the McCain/Palin ticket, I don’t know if I’ll even vote again. And I’m currently registered in a swing state. My vote actually counts, now. I’m not a political person, and most times I believe that politics and politicians are essentially all the same in the American system. So, really why bother?
I do know one thing though -- I am not a conservative. While I may agree with the random ideal that they espouse, if it’s rational, I generally despise most vocal right wingers in the Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Sarah Palin vein -- mainly because they’re assholes -- and they’ve basically given that stamp to the rest of that clique and its followers. Sure, there are assholes on both sides, and those particular conservative assholes might not speak for the whole movement, but let’s face it right now they’re at the forefront and I dislike them more than the liberal assholes. It’s my choice. If you disagree, that’s great. It’s America. You’re allowed.
I have friends, acquaintances, even immediate family that subscribe to conservative ideologies and I don’t go picking fights with them over it. It’s not worth it. Unless, of course, they try to drag something that I love, or know a helluva lot about into their mess, then it’s fucking war. This is why the gloves came off when I got an e-mail forwarding me the National Review’s Top 25 Conservative Movies of the Past 25 Years. Granted it was sent to me by a friend of mine from high school, who probably doesn’t know my political, or even a-political leanings, but knows that I went to film school and might find the list of interest. I’ll give him the benefit of that doubt, but in his agreeing with many of the films on the list I felt a general need to take him, the other people he forwarded the list to, and the compiler John J. Mitchell to task.
Sorry guys. Either you saw different movies than I did (possible considering the subjective nature of the artform) or you’re on some serious drugs (like Limbaugh and/or the entire state of Alaska – and if so can I get some, my back has been killing me lately and I’ve all but stopped drinking.) Let’s take a look at some of the movies that made the list, and what they had to say about them:
300 (2007): During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free. Beneath a layer of egregious non-history — including goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic — is a stylized story about the ancient battle of Thermopylae and the Spartan defense of the West’s fledgling institutions. It contrasts a small band of Spartans, motivated by their convictions and a commitment to the law, with a Persian horde that is driven forward by whips. In the words recorded by the real-life Herodotus: “Law is their master, which they fear more than your men[, Xerxes,] fear you.”
Well, first of all there’s already been a slew of Gulf War movies, just ask Jaime Foxx, he was in most of them. The problem is the good ones, or at least the ones that made any headlines or box office, were the anti-Iraq movies. That’s not Hollywood’s fault. I’m willing to let you have your interpretation of this because Frank Miller has been accused of being a radical conservative, and his graphic novel on which this movie was based does evidence some of those leanings. However, my interpretation of it is that it’s a movie about stories and storytellers, and how history can be painted in a way to incite a movement. It’s not a history. The whole story is told in a warped flashback by Delios, on the eve of declared war on the Persian Army. It’s equivalent to the Crispin’s Day speech in Shakespeare’s Henry V. Remember, Delios is sent back to Sparta even before the battle of Thermopylae actually begins, because he has the gift to tell tales. It’s his job as a fallen soldier to rally the rest of the country to war. As for the “goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic,” how do you know that the Spartans didn’t fight mutant rhinoceri? If you believe the Creation Museum, which maybe as a conservative you do, man and dinosaurs co-existed. Maybe it was a trained triceratops and its rider was Fred Flintstone enjoying the cool flavor of a Winston.
I actually own this, currently on loan to the Sequential Art Collective. Juno (2007): The best pro-life movies reach beyond the church choirs and influence the wider public. Juno was a critical and commercial success. It didn’t set out to deliver a message on abortion, but much of its audience discovered one anyway. The story revolves around a 16-year-old who finds a home for her unplanned baby. The film has its faults, including a number of crass moments and a pregnant high-school student with an unrealistic level of self-confidence. Yet it also exposes a broken culture in which teen sex is dehumanizing, girls struggle with “choice,” and boys aimlessly try — and sometimes downright fail — to become men. The movie doesn’t glamorize much of anything but leaves audiences with an open-ended chance for redemption.
Let’s get one thing out of the way: Pro-Choice does not mean Anti-Life. If it did, then Darkseid could easily have taken over the world with the ruling of Roe v. Wade. (Bonus points if you don’t have to hit the link to know what I’m talking about.) Having a baby when you’re an American teenager, is a choice. Juno sets out to have an abortion, she even mocks the “pro-life” girl that tries to stop her, but then decides not to. Now, it’s also a choice to give said baby to a soon to be single woman, whose emotional unavailability and constant harping of her immature husband has driven him to look for a 16 year-old pregnant strange - not exactly the most “family values” choice is it? Not very conservative at all. And you do know that this movie was written by an ex-stripper who named herself after the Devil, right?
The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president — whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war — don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.
Whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… I know it was long, but did you watch the whole movie? Batman knowingly does everything he does as a vigilante, and he basically hates the fact that he’s worshipped as a hero. He comes to disagree with his own choice to operate outside of the law and support the righteous law abiding ideals of Harvey Dent, which is why at the end of the movie he chooses to take credit for crimes he didn’t commit – concocting a plan that paints him out to be a worse criminal than he actually is. That’s what that whole Jim Gordon monologue was about, Cochise. Were you paying attention or just waiting for Gary Oldman to say Dark Knight so you can jump out of your seat and cheer? Does that at all sound like George W. Bush -- who made the illegal legal and constantly pandered to the press and wore a flight suit to “build a legacy”? I didn’t think so. Plus, at what point does Batman do anything to advance Bruce Wayne and the Penguin’s stock portfolios? He doesn’t. He actually does the exact opposite by wasting his company’s money to effectively stop crime, instead of hiring Wayne Enterprises to say go out into the streets and actively commit more crime or incite the citizens of Gotham to more violence. Ha…Ha…Haliburton. I totally sneezed, sorry.
Brazil (1985): Vividly depicting the miserable results of elitist utopian schemes, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil portrays a darkly comic dystopia of malfunctioning high-tech equipment and the dreary living conditions common to all totalitarian regimes. Everything in the society is built to serve government plans rather than people. The film is visually arresting and inventive, with especially evocative use of shots that put the audience in a subservient position, just like the people in the film. Terrorist bombings, national-security scares, universal police surveillance, bureaucratic arrogance, a callous elite, perversion of science, and government use of torture evoke the worst aspects of the modern megastate.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….
You do realize that this was made in response to the oppression of the Thatcher administration, right?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah… ah. Brilliant.
I can understand conservatives' cognitive dissonance, or at least know that they live almost in a state of it, considering that conservative Republicans recently released a video in which they celebrate their own defeat in the stimulus war. Really… you cast 0 votes? And… it sill passed? That's like the Detroit Lions celebrating this past football season as a championship year. Perfect record! 0-16! Oh and that video (which was set to Aerosmith song about a hooker, and another video which compared any union to the Sopranos and made its “point” through the rampant use of profanity) was made by some "family values" spoutin', clown shoe wearin' prick. (I'd put up links to these videos that Eric Cantor has denied sending out, but they've been removed from the internet. Thanks for enforcing your copyright Aerosmith!)
Team America: World Police (2004): This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture. As the heroes move to stop a WMD apocalypse, they clash with Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, and a host of others, whom they take out with gunfire, sword, and martial arts before saving the day. The movie, like South Park itself, reveals Parker and Stone as the two-headed George Grosz of American satire.
Um, the first two sentences of your review basically call it the best satire of conservative fear mongering as well. It’s hard to categorize as conservative, because like any true piece of intelligent satire, it skews both sides. I think you kind of know that already though, so I’ll lay off. However, you really should stop grasping for straws.
Ultimately, I do realize that this list on the whole is just a desperate grasp at relevancy by a handful of dipwads who have had the misfortune to wake up and find themselves on the fringe of a society they controlled for eight years... Sorry guys. Hope you really don't believe any of this stuff. Keep on truckin', and thanks for the laughs. I'd say keep 'em coming, but you'd ultimately just end up pissing me off. So keep it to yourselves, and stay off my damned TV!
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