The William Holden Helmet

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.

However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.

(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)

HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!: Now?

HELMET HEAD: The American Dream * in action. indeed
HELMET HEAD: I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good
HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!: Cool

HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!: Yeah I just searched that
ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD: I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm

ACTION MATT!: lol

HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD: Absolutely
HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:


ACTION MATT!: Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD: Totally!

ACTION MATT!: What did you do to modify the helmet?

HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!: And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?

HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD: Best. Holden helmet. Ever.
HELMET HEAD: I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared
HELMET HEAD: No shit

ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD: Heh
HELMET HEAD: Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is
HELMET HEAD: 33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet
HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!: Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…

HELMET HEAD: Don’t tell me these things, not now man*

ACTION MATT!: …or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan…

HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD: This mask is cracking me up
HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.