Great Moments in The Goon Hand

My oldest friend, semi-regular source of inspiration and sometimes personal annoyance Dan Darragh recently made an intentional suggestion for a blog topic that I thought was amusing enough to explore -- as opposed to his playing an unintentional Zmuda by feeding me entire posts via our IM chats. This could probably turn into a series if I feel like putting any work into it. We'll see...

Great Moments in The Goon Hand

We've all probably seen it, if not in real life -- say at a suburban New Jersey strip mall on a Saturday evening -- then at least in the films of Martin Scorsese. I'm talking about "The Goon Hand," which Urban Dictionary defines thusly:

Taking a firm grip of the meaty underside of a woman's upper arm, making it easy to muscle her around. Most times uttering "you're making a scene" into the woman's ear. If done correctly, it will look like you are softly touching her back and whispering something sweet to her, when actually you are leaving 4 small bruises on one side of her arm and one giant thumb bruise on the other side.

Though perceived domestic violence is not fall down laughing funny, The Goon Hand (at least in concept and when executed for entertainment purposes) has an unmistakable place in popular culture, and is at least worth the chuckle that "Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!" still gets to this very day. If you can't muster that much, then I guess this post is not for you. Doesn't make either of us an asshole, now. If you feel your ire percolating, track back to a post about me running around in my underpants when I was a little kid, or, take a look at a picture of me doing it. We're all friends here.

For this installment, I'm paying homage to Casino, in honor of a two week training program I'll be subjecting myself to for a potential stint as a bartender in a slots parlor. It features one of the Crown Princes of The Goon Hand, Robert De Niro, and is directed by - no surprise - Scorsese. Yes, even when playing a mostly non-violent Jew, it seems that Bobby D can't help himself from dealing out the "Guinnea Squeeze" especially when under the watchful eye of his paisan, Marty.

Watch De Niro administer 40 full on seconds of the maneuver to a shrill Sharon Stone in the clip below:

(Note: The Goon Hand clocks in kinda early (at the 1:03 mark), considering the entire clip is about 10 minutes long... and subtitled in Arabic. In addition to violence, the video also contains such horrors as Stone trying to make out with Joe Pesci, so viewer discretion is definitely advised!)

Get in The Spirit

In all fairness and with whatever journalistic integrity I still carry with me from my days as the ace reporter at The Forum of Queens (R.I.P.) -- before I send you over to my assessment of The Spirit, which was recently released on DVD, I should tell you that I'm on friendly terms with one of the film's producers. I tried not to let my relationship with him, or his early support of the still forming Sequential Art Collective, sway me in my perception of the movie or how I chose to review it for SAC's blog.

I think I was successful in keeping those parts of my brain at bay, however my raging creative hard-on for Frank Miller and my apparent mistrust of people who are blindly devoted to the work of Will Eisner couldn't be stifled.

CLICK HERE to see what the heck I'm talking about.

Friday the 13th: Part II

A(nother) Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Robey, My Dearest:

Your silence in reference to last month's letter is vexing.

As is this video of you singing One Night in Bangkok:



There's so much to answer for now, I fear that my love may crumble under the weight of the lovely mystery that is you.

Luckily, there's another Friday the 13th in this calendar year, so I'll wait with baited breath to hear back from you then...

Till November - I'll remain yours truly,

Action Matt!

Best Bailout Pitch Going...

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm from Jon Hamm

Well, It Wasn't Animation... So What Else Can You Call It?

This week's Media Madness is mostly about Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic. No witticisms or comments before sending you over the the ol' SAC Blog this week. I spent all of my brain cells writing the post.


Click HERE to see what I'm talking about.

Image from joblo.com

They Shoot Conservative Movies Don't They?

I’m not necessarily a political person. Don’t let the fact that I went to the Obama inauguration confuse you. Yes, I did vote for him. But no, I was not one of those Randy Marsh-style Barack-O-philiacs who drunkenly screamed “Who let the Obama out?!?” at 11:00 PM on November 4th. My vote, my first ever, was actually cast against John McCain and Sarah Palin, who I found to be conniving, moronic, pandering, circus freaks during their campaign. In short, I wanted them no where near the White House and (especially) off of my damn television.

I went to the Inauguration to take part in and observe first-hand, what was at its core a cultural movement. Never in my lifetime had I seen, nor do I believe will I see again, such a positive outpouring of emotion over anything, let alone the act of swearing in an American President. It was considered the culmination of a dream that couldn’t have been whispered two-hundred years prior, and for many in the black community, it was a high watermark in their lives – as evidenced by their wearing their Sunday best and mink coats (men and women alike) to essentially spend a day on crowded subway cars only to stand on a street corner in Washington, DC.

My one camera phone pic from 1/20/09

Was it a special experience? Absolutely. There was a miraculous kind of buzz that kept everyone warm on that cold January morning, as hundreds of thousands of people mobbed the Mall. Everyone was, for the most part, upbeat, friendly and (excuse me for using this word) hopeful, and never before did I have so large a crowd to bounce my pithy comments off of. It was a blast. Would I do it again? Probably not. Unless I feel as strongly against someone as I did the McCain/Palin ticket, I don’t know if I’ll even vote again. And I’m currently registered in a swing state. My vote actually counts, now. I’m not a political person, and most times I believe that politics and politicians are essentially all the same in the American system. So, really why bother?

I do know one thing though -- I am not a conservative. While I may agree with the random ideal that they espouse, if it’s rational, I generally despise most vocal right wingers in the Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Sarah Palin vein -- mainly because they’re assholes -- and they’ve basically given that stamp to the rest of that clique and its followers. Sure, there are assholes on both sides, and those particular conservative assholes might not speak for the whole movement, but let’s face it right now they’re at the forefront and I dislike them more than the liberal assholes. It’s my choice. If you disagree, that’s great. It’s America. You’re allowed.

I have friends, acquaintances, even immediate family that subscribe to conservative ideologies and I don’t go picking fights with them over it. It’s not worth it. Unless, of course, they try to drag something that I love, or know a helluva lot about into their mess, then it’s fucking war. This is why the gloves came off when I got an e-mail forwarding me the National Review’s Top 25 Conservative Movies of the Past 25 Years. Granted it was sent to me by a friend of mine from high school, who probably doesn’t know my political, or even a-political leanings, but knows that I went to film school and might find the list of interest. I’ll give him the benefit of that doubt, but in his agreeing with many of the films on the list I felt a general need to take him, the other people he forwarded the list to, and the compiler John J. Mitchell to task.

Sorry guys. Either you saw different movies than I did (possible considering the subjective nature of the artform) or you’re on some serious drugs (like Limbaugh and/or the entire state of Alaska – and if so can I get some, my back has been killing me lately and I’ve all but stopped drinking.) Let’s take a look at some of the movies that made the list, and what they had to say about them:

300 (2007): During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free. Beneath a layer of egregious non-history — including goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic — is a stylized story about the ancient battle of Thermopylae and the Spartan defense of the West’s fledgling institutions. It contrasts a small band of Spartans, motivated by their convictions and a commitment to the law, with a Persian horde that is driven forward by whips. In the words recorded by the real-life Herodotus: “Law is their master, which they fear more than your men[, Xerxes,] fear you.”

Well, first of all there’s already been a slew of Gulf War movies, just ask Jaime Foxx, he was in most of them. The problem is the good ones, or at least the ones that made any headlines or box office, were the anti-Iraq movies. That’s not Hollywood’s fault. I’m willing to let you have your interpretation of this because Frank Miller has been accused of being a radical conservative, and his graphic novel on which this movie was based does evidence some of those leanings. However, my interpretation of it is that it’s a movie about stories and storytellers, and how history can be painted in a way to incite a movement. It’s not a history. The whole story is told in a warped flashback by Delios, on the eve of declared war on the Persian Army. It’s equivalent to the Crispin’s Day speech in Shakespeare’s Henry V. Remember, Delios is sent back to Sparta even before the battle of Thermopylae actually begins, because he has the gift to tell tales. It’s his job as a fallen soldier to rally the rest of the country to war. As for the “goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic,” how do you know that the Spartans didn’t fight mutant rhinoceri? If you believe the Creation Museum, which maybe as a conservative you do, man and dinosaurs co-existed. Maybe it was a trained triceratops and its rider was Fred Flintstone enjoying the cool flavor of a Winston.

I actually own this, currently on loan to the Sequential Art Collective.

Juno (2007): The best pro-life movies reach beyond the church choirs and influence the wider public. Juno was a critical and commercial success. It didn’t set out to deliver a message on abortion, but much of its audience discovered one anyway. The story revolves around a 16-year-old who finds a home for her unplanned baby. The film has its faults, including a number of crass moments and a pregnant high-school student with an unrealistic level of self-confidence. Yet it also exposes a broken culture in which teen sex is dehumanizing, girls struggle with “choice,” and boys aimlessly try — and sometimes downright fail — to become men. The movie doesn’t glamorize much of anything but leaves audiences with an open-ended chance for redemption.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: Pro-Choice does not mean Anti-Life. If it did, then Darkseid could easily have taken over the world with the ruling of Roe v. Wade. (Bonus points if you don’t have to hit the link to know what I’m talking about.) Having a baby when you’re an American teenager, is a choice. Juno sets out to have an abortion, she even mocks the “pro-life” girl that tries to stop her, but then decides not to. Now, it’s also a choice to give said baby to a soon to be single woman, whose emotional unavailability and constant harping of her immature husband has driven him to look for a 16 year-old pregnant strange - not exactly the most “family values” choice is it? Not very conservative at all. And you do know that this movie was written by an ex-stripper who named herself after the Devil, right?

The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president — whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war — don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.

Whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… I know it was long, but did you watch the whole movie? Batman knowingly does everything he does as a vigilante, and he basically hates the fact that he’s worshipped as a hero. He comes to disagree with his own choice to operate outside of the law and support the righteous law abiding ideals of Harvey Dent, which is why at the end of the movie he chooses to take credit for crimes he didn’t commit – concocting a plan that paints him out to be a worse criminal than he actually is. That’s what that whole Jim Gordon monologue was about, Cochise. Were you paying attention or just waiting for Gary Oldman to say Dark Knight so you can jump out of your seat and cheer? Does that at all sound like George W. Bush -- who made the illegal legal and constantly pandered to the press and wore a flight suit to “build a legacy”? I didn’t think so. Plus, at what point does Batman do anything to advance Bruce Wayne and the Penguin’s stock portfolios? He doesn’t. He actually does the exact opposite by wasting his company’s money to effectively stop crime, instead of hiring Wayne Enterprises to say go out into the streets and actively commit more crime or incite the citizens of Gotham to more violence. Ha…Ha…Haliburton. I totally sneezed, sorry.

Brazil (1985): Vividly depicting the miserable results of elitist utopian schemes, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil portrays a darkly comic dystopia of malfunctioning high-tech equipment and the dreary living conditions common to all totalitarian regimes. Everything in the society is built to serve government plans rather than people. The film is visually arresting and inventive, with especially evocative use of shots that put the audience in a subservient position, just like the people in the film. Terrorist bombings, national-security scares, universal police surveillance, bureaucratic arrogance, a callous elite, perversion of science, and government use of torture evoke the worst aspects of the modern megastate.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….

You do realize that this was made in response to the oppression of the Thatcher administration, right?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah… ah. Brilliant.

I can understand conservatives' cognitive dissonance, or at least know that they live almost in a state of it, considering that conservative Republicans recently released a video in which they celebrate their own defeat in the stimulus war. Really… you cast 0 votes? And… it sill passed? That's like the Detroit Lions celebrating this past football season as a championship year. Perfect record! 0-16! Oh and that video (which was set to Aerosmith song about a hooker, and another video which compared any union to the Sopranos and made its “point” through the rampant use of profanity) was made by some "family values" spoutin', clown shoe wearin' prick. (I'd put up links to these videos that Eric Cantor has denied sending out, but they've been removed from the internet. Thanks for enforcing your copyright Aerosmith!)

Team America: World Police (2004): This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture. As the heroes move to stop a WMD apocalypse, they clash with Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, and a host of others, whom they take out with gunfire, sword, and martial arts before saving the day. The movie, like South Park itself, reveals Parker and Stone as the two-headed George Grosz of American satire.

Um, the first two sentences of your review basically call it the best satire of conservative fear mongering as well. It’s hard to categorize as conservative, because like any true piece of intelligent satire, it skews both sides. I think you kind of know that already though, so I’ll lay off. However, you really should stop grasping for straws.

Ultimately, I do realize that this list on the whole is just a desperate grasp at relevancy by a handful of dipwads who have had the misfortune to wake up and find themselves on the fringe of a society they controlled for eight years... Sorry guys. Hope you really don't believe any of this stuff. Keep on truckin', and thanks for the laughs. I'd say keep 'em coming, but you'd ultimately just end up pissing me off. So keep it to yourselves, and stay off my damned TV!

Unfortunate Filler: More Ledger/Joker Stuff

Hey Actioneer(s?),

I'm trying to iron out a technical issue with a pretty lengthy post I wrote about this list of movies that Conservatives (the Head Honchos of Hollywood Hating) are trying to claim for their own nefarious purposes. In the meantime, here's about the only Christian Bale rant joke that I actually thought was funny:

Works on SOOOOOOOO many levels...

Click on the image to see other spoof posters from CollegeHumor.com

More later, I hope! - AM!

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na...

Not even Batman could have stopped a certain joker from stealing an Oscar last night. Check out this week's Monday Media Madness post I wrote for the Sequential Art Collective and read all about it.

Click HERE to flip the Shakespeare head and slide down the proverbial Batpole.

"I had a dream I was a vigilante's sidekick..."

On the Darkside... Oh Yeah-hey-ah!

How was long deceased EC Comics publisher William M. Gaines haunting last week's DVD releases? You should check out the Sequential Art Collective blog to find out.

Click HERE to fumble over to a fabulous Fright Fest.

Crypty and Papa Bill make a posthumous appearance at a 2007 Halloween party.

Happy Friday the 13th

An Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Oh Robey,

Star of the bafflingly titled Friday the 13th: The Series...

...Only Wilma Flintstone pre-dates you in my love of shapely red heads with strange and annoying voices.

Sure, you can blame your accent on being Canadian, but can you broil an entire rack of Brontosaurus ribs? Or at least satisfactorily explain how a string of movies about a slasher in a hockey mask was turned into a TV show aboot two "cousins" tracking down cursed antiques?

The 13th falls on a Friday again in March. So, you have a month to come up with something.

- Love,
Action Matt!

The William Holden Helmet

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.

However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.

(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)

HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!: Now?

HELMET HEAD: The American Dream * in action. indeed
HELMET HEAD: I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good
HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!: Cool

HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!: Yeah I just searched that
ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD: I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm

ACTION MATT!: lol

HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD: Absolutely
HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:


ACTION MATT!: Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD: Totally!

ACTION MATT!: What did you do to modify the helmet?

HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!: And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?

HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD: Best. Holden helmet. Ever.
HELMET HEAD: I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared
HELMET HEAD: No shit

ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD: Heh
HELMET HEAD: Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is
HELMET HEAD: 33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet
HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!: Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…

HELMET HEAD: Don’t tell me these things, not now man*

ACTION MATT!: …or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan…

HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD: This mask is cracking me up
HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.

Zihuatanejo

On January 31st, 2009 at around 8:20PM my brother, Brian Murray, welcomed his son Andrew Thomas to the world. His initials ATM, are a pretty obvious reference to my brother's first passion - cash. However, the name Andrew - Andy as he will be called by most, but I, the stubborn, contrary prick that I am will probably call him Drew to annoy everyone - was a bit of enigma.

With no Andy's of note in either bloodline , how did he and his wife decide upon the name? I asked and was shocked at the answer: "Shawshank. I named him after Andy Dufresne from Shawshank."

No. Shit. After spending the better part of my life being ridiculed by this person for loving both movies and Stephen King, he turned around and named the fruit of his looms after a character in the best film ever adapted from one of King's stories.

Note the similarity in the hats as well.

The easy joke to throw in at this point would be, that he was named Andy, because like his namesake, he crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine.

And I guess, yeah, I said it.

My apologies to those who came to this party ill prepared for a joke about the birthing process and my sister-in-law's vagina.

Wait! I take that back, if you came to this party at all, you should have seen that coming before I did. That's basically how I roll.

I guess, if the kid doesn't like the name he can blame TNT, which played the movie non-stop for 10 years straight, basically making it everyone's favorite movie of all time. Don't believe me? Check the IMDB. However, I suspect that my brother might have liked it a bit before all of that, like when I first brought a VHS copy home from Sam Goody in 1995 and made the whole family watch it -- but he never would have admitted it then. So, cheers to Brian for coming out of the movie geek closet. Even a little bit. All these years later. I'm not sure it makes up for the years of psychological torture he subjected me to, but it's a step.

So, on to the point I should be making, away from whining about the past and toward the less obvious joke. Ultimately it might be a "you had to be there" kind of thing, or a "that's funny if you know Brian" joke, and as 99% of you don't know him or weren't there, I hope that you think it's funny anyway... I hope that you laugh or chuckle even a little... I hope...

Now, even though he made me feel like crap for liking the movies I liked, there were a handful of films that I know Brian enjoyed, still loves or watched a lot at various points in his life. If Andy really doesn't like his name, here's a list of names that he possibly could have been called based on my brother's taste in film. (Take 'em or leave 'em, kid) :

Top 10 Alternative Names for Andy Thomas Murray
(Click the name to go to the movie it's from, if it's not obvious already)

10. Eddie Barsoom Murray
9. Dr. Mark Sloan Murray (Yeah it's TV, but it's one for his wife)
8. Bruce LeRoy Murray
7. Bodahi
6. Captain Oveur Murray
5. Bill Ray Valentine Murray
4. Liberate Tutame Murray
3. McKenzie Hoser Murray
2. Simon MacCorkindale Murray (TV again, but had to chart never-the-less)
1. Jake Elwood Murray

Either way congrats to the Murrays of Long Island! Eagerly looking forward to the eventual arrival of Jessica Fletcher Murray (again probably his wife's choice, she has the tastes of a 90 year-old alzheimer's patient)...

Andy and Brian Murray, 1/31/09