The William Holden Helmet

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.

However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.

(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)

HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!: Now?

HELMET HEAD: The American Dream * in action. indeed
HELMET HEAD: I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good
HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!: Cool

HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!: Yeah I just searched that
ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD: I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm

ACTION MATT!: lol

HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD: Absolutely
HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:


ACTION MATT!: Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD: Totally!

ACTION MATT!: What did you do to modify the helmet?

HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!: And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?

HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD: Best. Holden helmet. Ever.
HELMET HEAD: I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared
HELMET HEAD: No shit

ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD: Heh
HELMET HEAD: Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is
HELMET HEAD: 33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet
HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!: Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…

HELMET HEAD: Don’t tell me these things, not now man*

ACTION MATT!: …or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan…

HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD: This mask is cracking me up
HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.

Kev, Me and BSG

Kev Gillespie posted this first, so props to him.

Action Matt: Do you watch BSG?
@rhcomics: i just fucking watched it godammit
@rhcomics: god fucking dammit
Action Matt: yeah right
Action Matt: whaTTTT?
@rhcomics: jesus christ
Action Matt: really?!?
@rhcomics: i was pissed when they revealed the first 4
@rhcomics: but THIS
@rhcomics: fuck you
Action Matt: The Dualla thing was cool
@rhcomics: yeah cause i couldnt fucking stand her
Action Matt: at first I thought maybe they were prepping us for her to be it
Action Matt: then clap
@rhcomics: yeah it was such a nice surprise
Action Matt: But Ellen?
Action Matt: c’mon
Action Matt: c’mon
@rhcomics: fuck man
Action Matt: I’ll cut them 2 episodes worth of slack
Action Matt: this shit better right itself
@rhcomics: fuckin a
@rhcomics: dont even start with that zombie starbuck shit
@rhcomics: wtf man
@rhcomics: come on
Action Matt: clearly there’s some kind of regenerative thing going on
Action Matt: The five
Action Matt: Starbuck
Action Matt: but c’mon
@rhcomics: cmooooon— she was like— she was an unpleasant character
@rhcomics: so much tht she was another one where it was “hey awesome, saul killed her”
Action Matt: Someone was bound to
@rhcomics: jesus
Action Matt: yeah
Action Matt: I’m hurt and dismayed right now
Action Matt: heh
@rhcomics: dude me too
@rhcomics: they spit in our coke
@rhcomics: they stole OUR fries
Action Matt: hahahahahahaha
Action Matt: I WASN’T DONE WITH THOSE!
@rhcomics: HEY GODAMMIT! I WAS JUST TAKING A PISS!
Action Matt: it all comes full circle
@rhcomics: fuck
@rhcomics: this is like [EX-GF] is the final cylon
Action Matt: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
@rhcomics: this is like tigh had a flashback and like fucking [EX-GF] is there for no reason
@rhcomics: and then roll the fucking credits
@rhcomics: that really sucked matt
Action Matt: eh what can do
@rhcomics: true
@rhcomics: it won't disapoint
@rhcomics: they know they shit so far
Action Matt: Wait, I’m pissed again
Action Matt: yup
Action Matt: I’m pissed
Action Matt: I’m seeing a strong association between Ellen Tigh and [EX-GF] for you
@rhcomics: dude im tigh
@rhcomics: fucking cotton ball duct taped to my face
Action Matt: heh
@rhcomics: sobbing while i strangle her with a belt
Action Matt: I wonder if they matched the shot of him choking her, with him taking the rock off her throat
Action Matt: filmicaally that would be interesting
Action Matt: FOR A TRULY SHITTY MOMENT
@rhcomics: hahaha
@rhcomics: this is like— ugh— this is like when they brought jason todd back but he ended up being clayface then he ended up being jason todd
Action Matt: I really think it was supposed to be Starbuck
Action Matt: they shot it done
Action Matt: then they threw money at them
Action Matt: Earth’s dead, Starbuck’s a cylon
Action Matt: end of show
@rhcomics: yup
Action Matt: hey you can make 9 more of these if you want
Action Matt: but it’s over!
Action Matt: here’s some money, and then you get to make a bunch of Sci Fi channel movies afterward to try to fix it
Action Matt: well, okay
Action Matt: it beats making Sasquatch Mountain: The Return
Action Matt: and the Bionic Woman failed
Action Matt: sure!
Action Matt: Wait is Tricia Hefler still hot? Ah we’ll fix her in post
@rhcomics: scifi channel movies eh? ok how about we get mark hamill and tawny kitean versus uh— velociraptors— uh cyberspace velociraptors— we’ll call it HEART OF THE RAPTOR: THE RETURN TO CYBERSPACE RAPTOR ISLAND
Action Matt: Somebody get Lance Henriksen’s agent on the horn
Action Matt: We’ve got Dean Cain signed up for second lead!
Action Matt: I have Chiller TV, which is Sci Fi channel’s sister station and they’re showing 2 Sci-Fi channel classics: “Basilisk: The Serpent King” with Jeremy London and “Mega Snake”
@rhcomics: holy fuck man
Action Matt: Dude 3AM - Alien Express with Lou Diamond Phillips and Todd Bridges

If you're not reading his stuff regularly, you should. go here, now: http://giant-girls.tumblr.com/

Chinese Democracy: The Danny Darragh Commentary

Danny Darragh, c. The Spaghetti Incident

I met Dan Darragh when we were in 8th grade, and some part of us will always be that age when we talk or hang out -- despite the fact that we are now in our thirties. The former informs my continuing to call him Danny, and his marveling at my doing so exemplifies the latter.

So, Danny Darragh and I used to listen to Guns N Roses back when cassettes still drove industry record sales. We listened to them all of the time, almost non stop – when no listening to Motley Crue, I guess. We, along with Dave Wilson -- the third Musketeer, would: call girls we liked and leave GnR lyrics on messages; decorate the cover of our canvas binders with Robt. Williams rip-offs; and design GnR tattoos that we all were going to get when we turned eighteen.

We were going to be in a band, you see. Dave was going to sing and play guitar, I was going to play bass, and Danny would play the drums. Surely we’d get to writing our own songs, once we learned how to play instruments and in turn learned all of the GnR catalog -- which at that time only included Appetite for Destruction and Lies.

Of the three of us, Danny was the only one who took that dream kind of seriously. I don’t know if he ever thought that the three of us would actually form a band, but he actually took up an instrument and did the plan one better by teaching himself how to play the drums by learning the Guns n Roses catalog.

God bless him. He kept up the drums for years, popping in and out of bands throughout the 1990s before forming Varistor, a band that made somewhat of a mark on the NY indie music scene back in the early oughts.

Dan stayed into GnR, too. For as long as Axl and Slash kept it together that is. I remember him taping every video, concert and TV appearance through the Use Your Illusions and the Spaghetti Incident. The day the cassette single for You Could Be Mine came out – with the Terminator 2 cover art – was a holiday for him. For both of us. I remember going to the Wall on Austin Street in Forest Hills to pick up copies. Even in our late teens and early twenties, as our tastes “matured” into grunge and then lo-fi indie, he and I would always go back to the well and dust off Appetite. If not just for the end of "Rocket Queen." The sweet ballad part that comes after Steven Tyler’s girlfriend does.

Now Axl, sans Slash and Duff – the real core of the band, has bothered to release a new album and call it Guns n Roses. Of course I wanted to know what Dan thought.

So, here’s a copied and edited transcript of an IM session between the two of us that I call, Chinese Democracy: The Danny Darragh Commentary. Enjoy!

Dan: Have you heard the new AC/DC single?

Matt.: Nah, does it sound like every other ACDC song ever?

Dan: Absolutely, and rocks well

Matt.: AC/DC does, indeed, rock well

DAN SENDS MATT. AC/DC’S ROCK N ROLL TRAIN

Matt: Yup.

Matt: That's ACDC, alright

Matt: Hey, how's Chinese Democracy?

Matt: I'm probably picking it up this weekend

Dan: I only heard the single. Don’t give a shit bout the album. Not GnR

Matt: Really?

Dan: That ain’t Guns n Roses, dude.

Matt: Well, sure it's just Axl

Dan: I’ve heard enough leaks over the years to recognize it’s overproduced

Dan: I should buy the record just to be a completist, though. I guess. lol

Dan: 10 bucks on iTunes. Downloading now…

DAN PROCEEDS TO DO A TRACK BY TRACK BREAKDOWN OF THE RECORD AS HE LISTENS TO IT

Dan: Track 1. Word. The single. Title track. Ain’t half bad

Dan: Track2. So far standard Axl Rose "leave me be, dont tell me what to do" stuff. Not so bad, actually. Marilyn Manson influence

Dan: 199wha?

Dan: Neat, anthemic chorus

Dan: Track 3. It’s called "Better." Wow, more Axl being maudlin

Dan: I hear a couple different guitar tone

Dan: Definitely buy it its good to listen to

Dan: Fun

Dan: Ugh. The bass tone trying to be Duff, though.

Dan: "Street of Dreams" is as cheesy as "Yesterdays"

Dan: Holy shit, the way these cats try for Slash's pentatonic scale solo

Dan: thingy

Dan: I need to read the album credits

Dan: I like it though, ‘cause it’s fun to hear Axl’s voice. heh

Dan: “Street of Dreams” favorite so far

Dan: "If the World"... again with the production

Matt: That's what took 14 years, dude

Dan: Ah crap. If I approach this without GnR, I couldn’t like this stuff

Dan: Ugh. Dude this is no rock

Dan: There is so much layering on this tune

Matt: Someone described it as Axl's shot a trying to be Phil Spector

Dan: Heh, ya

Dan: As I listen deeper, there is less personality

Dan: Ah, this is "There Was a Time." One of the leaks I heard. I liked it ‘cause it was Axl

Dan: Axl without Slash is like a day without sunshine, though

Dan: Hot dog, no bun. All that malarkey

Dan: It also sounds like he has been using electric piano

Dan: On this particular number, perhaps he dumped his free dr pepper on the yamaha

Dan: I HATE how guitar-fer-hire guy feels he must emulate Slash

Dan: Ugh

Dan: "Catcher in the Rye" sounds Use-Your-Illusion-2-ish

Dan: BLARGH KEYBOARD sampling

Dan: Tortured lyrics you would expect

Dan: Sounds like the chorus was recorded a week after…

Dan: …like I can hear the "punch ins"

Dan: Wow, the further in it sounds like a vanity album. I guess it is

Dan: There’s no band synergy

Dan: Wow

Dan: "Scraped" -- This one aint bad

Dan: This one sounds like a bunch of people made it

Dan: A band made it

Dan: I think I’m gonna go back to listening to Tom Petty

Matt: How many tracks in did you get?

Dan: I’m bored at track 9 out of 14

Dan: "I’m sorry for you, not sorry for me"... these type of lyrics

Dan: It’s fun to hear Axl’s voice in new shit, though

Dan: Finally, heh

Matt: "It's been 14 years of silence, It's been 14 years of pain, It's been 14 years that are gone for ever and I'll never have again"

Matt: How prophetic on his part

I didn’t buy the album, BTW. After all of that I figured I could wait till someone else handed me off a rip. I mean if Danny Darragh could barely muster up any kind of endorsement, why bother?