Michael Jackson and Animation

Over at the SAC Blog I posted a brief look at an animated life (in more ways than one.)

Click on the screen shot from The Jackson 5ive to dance on over:

On Some Outta Space S#!t, Like You Watch Star Trek... WOO-HAA!!!

When you're faced with the unsolvable problem of 43 years of labyrinthine continuity; 5 television series; countless novels, comic books, collateral and expanded universe lit; and a rabidly loyal fan base protecting a dead property... what do you do?!? What do you do?!? Well, in the case of Star Trek, you do exactly what JJ Abrams did, and pull a James Tiberius Kirk - you throw out the problem and rewrite the rules... and you do it in a way that everyone wins the un-winnable.

Bravo, Mr. Abrams. Bra-fucking-vo.

Without getting too much into the spoiler-y details of the plot (which gets better the more one thinks about it), Star Trek indeed re-introduces us to the original crew of the Starship Enterprise, as all of the hype, news stories and commercials have promised it would for the past couple of years -- and it does so in a way that makes these characters accessible to the generations of the uninitiated that have sprung up and are just looking for a decent action flick, while retaining the characterizations, catchphrases and everything that fans of the original love about the 1966 series.

Most of the actors, especially Karl Urban (who as Leonard "Bones" McCoy is completely unrecognizable, if you only know him as Eomir from Lord of the Rings) do it in a way that rises above an impression of the original performer; and some of the characters, like Uhura, are given so much more to do than their 1960's counterpart that they in fact are another person completely. Zachary Quinto is Spock, by the way. Besides his uncanny resemblance to young Leonard Nimoy, which must have had the septagenarian thinking he was actually having a trippy mirror flashback to the 1960s while he was on the set filming his supporting role as "Spock Prime" (their credit, not mine), Quinto owns the part by putting that quiet slow burn of emotion that fans of Heroes have known for 2.5 seasons to better use than its had in any of the last 20 or so episodes of that dying phenomenon.

The only actor in the mix that I feel bad for is Chris Pine, and its not because he didn't pull his weight. He was fantastic as this verison's Jim Kirk, but he's not Shatner. Unfortunately, a lot of people forget that Shatner wasn't "Shatner" either, at least not until he learned how to laugh at himself in the late 70s/early 80s. In fact, much like the Late Vegas Elvis, Shatner's Kirk wasn't even a good joke until all of the horrible impressions of him catapulted the character into infamy before enjoying what is now a lasting, good natured fame. (I'm sure even affable Bill himself would admit that he was doing an impression of those impressions of himself, when he shouted the word "Khan!" into pop culture immortality circa 1982.) Pine, Abrams and writers Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman even manage to play with all of the fun bits of Shatner's Kirk that have been pointed out and dissected for decades, before letting this Kirk be the unreal, almost bland, action hero prototype that he's supposed to be - the one that he actually was when he swaggered across televisions from 1966-69 like any other cowboy sherriff on the boob tube.

FX and production values are as top notch as a summer actioner should be, and as I'm not an insanely die hard fan, I don't care that the movie's designers had the good sense to update everything a bit -- instead of slavishly adhering to the tech manuals and blueprints that have made book publishers an absolute mint over the years.

The movie's one weak point is the villain, who is more of a plot device than a character. Now, I don't know if it's because he's written that way or because he's played by Eric Bana, who actually managed to make The Hulk boring in 2003. As Nero, a renegade Romulan, he blandly declares his expiration date as the talented "It Boy" people heralded him as five or six years ago. I don't care who this guy was in Australia in the 1990s anymore, so I would appreciate it if critics, producers and directors would stop trying to sell me a faulty bill of goods on the man. He's made nothing but unimpressive crap for years now, and if he needs any more work, he should go back to Australia and try to fill the void that Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe left by being good actors in American movies during roughly the same time frame that Bana "crossed over" too.

Bana's lack of anything in terms of acting or character barely detract from the overall film though, and in no way should that stop anyone who either casually enjoys Summer movies or is a die hard Trek nut from getting in those theaters and catching this great flick. Even Shatner can dig it, and not just because it completely leaves the door open for him coming back the franchise again... Whoops. I said it. But c'mon I was pretty good at staying away from the details thus far... I didn't even tell you how that's at all possible, which is really the reason to see this version of Star Trek.

Fun Fact: "Beam us up, Scotty" was never said on the original show. It entered the popular lexicon via Star Trek: The Animated Series. Also... I'm a complete nerd!

Great Moments in The Goon Hand

My oldest friend, semi-regular source of inspiration and sometimes personal annoyance Dan Darragh recently made an intentional suggestion for a blog topic that I thought was amusing enough to explore -- as opposed to his playing an unintentional Zmuda by feeding me entire posts via our IM chats. This could probably turn into a series if I feel like putting any work into it. We'll see...

Great Moments in The Goon Hand

We've all probably seen it, if not in real life -- say at a suburban New Jersey strip mall on a Saturday evening -- then at least in the films of Martin Scorsese. I'm talking about "The Goon Hand," which Urban Dictionary defines thusly:

Taking a firm grip of the meaty underside of a woman's upper arm, making it easy to muscle her around. Most times uttering "you're making a scene" into the woman's ear. If done correctly, it will look like you are softly touching her back and whispering something sweet to her, when actually you are leaving 4 small bruises on one side of her arm and one giant thumb bruise on the other side.

Though perceived domestic violence is not fall down laughing funny, The Goon Hand (at least in concept and when executed for entertainment purposes) has an unmistakable place in popular culture, and is at least worth the chuckle that "Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!" still gets to this very day. If you can't muster that much, then I guess this post is not for you. Doesn't make either of us an asshole, now. If you feel your ire percolating, track back to a post about me running around in my underpants when I was a little kid, or, take a look at a picture of me doing it. We're all friends here.

For this installment, I'm paying homage to Casino, in honor of a two week training program I'll be subjecting myself to for a potential stint as a bartender in a slots parlor. It features one of the Crown Princes of The Goon Hand, Robert De Niro, and is directed by - no surprise - Scorsese. Yes, even when playing a mostly non-violent Jew, it seems that Bobby D can't help himself from dealing out the "Guinnea Squeeze" especially when under the watchful eye of his paisan, Marty.

Watch De Niro administer 40 full on seconds of the maneuver to a shrill Sharon Stone in the clip below:

(Note: The Goon Hand clocks in kinda early (at the 1:03 mark), considering the entire clip is about 10 minutes long... and subtitled in Arabic. In addition to violence, the video also contains such horrors as Stone trying to make out with Joe Pesci, so viewer discretion is definitely advised!)

Words & Pictures, Enemies & Allies

Hey y'all! Do you like superhero stories, but all those damned pictures get in the way when you're reading comics? Well I discuss the cure for that at the Sequential Art Collective Blog! Click HERE to fly on over and read about... reading.

Get in The Spirit

In all fairness and with whatever journalistic integrity I still carry with me from my days as the ace reporter at The Forum of Queens (R.I.P.) -- before I send you over to my assessment of The Spirit, which was recently released on DVD, I should tell you that I'm on friendly terms with one of the film's producers. I tried not to let my relationship with him, or his early support of the still forming Sequential Art Collective, sway me in my perception of the movie or how I chose to review it for SAC's blog.

I think I was successful in keeping those parts of my brain at bay, however my raging creative hard-on for Frank Miller and my apparent mistrust of people who are blindly devoted to the work of Will Eisner couldn't be stifled.

CLICK HERE to see what the heck I'm talking about.

By the Light of the Silvery Tube

Hey Actioneer(s)!

Well it looks like my brain is starting to function again after a month of eating tramadol and cyclobenzaprine by the handfuls. If you're here already you've probably seen that a new post about Madonna, Captain Planet and the Crypt Keeper went up yesterday, but did you know I put a new SAC post up today? No? Well you better get over there and check it out...

CLICK HERE to read up on my thoughts about the current state of Adult Swim.

-Action Matt!

If You Call Yourself Madonna...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Battlestar Sciatica

Hey Reader(s)!

Action Matt! here. Seems like I'm a step closer to my ultimate dream of becoming a 90 year-old Jewish woman, as I battle the onset of sciatica. Yes, sciatica. As I mentioned on my facebook profile, only a diet of broth and hard candies stand in my way of calling every one "bubbellah" and pinching cheeks while gushing over a child's "shana punim."

Oy vey iz mir! If only this farshlepteh krenk would leave me already! I could let out a geshrie and plotz...

BEST. COSTUME. EVER.

Watch Transforming Transformer Costume and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Thanks to Kev @ rhcomics.com for shedding some light my way.

Friday the 13th: Part II

A(nother) Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Robey, My Dearest:

Your silence in reference to last month's letter is vexing.

As is this video of you singing One Night in Bangkok:



There's so much to answer for now, I fear that my love may crumble under the weight of the lovely mystery that is you.

Luckily, there's another Friday the 13th in this calendar year, so I'll wait with baited breath to hear back from you then...

Till November - I'll remain yours truly,

Action Matt!

Best Bailout Pitch Going...

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm from Jon Hamm

Well, It Wasn't Animation... So What Else Can You Call It?

This week's Media Madness is mostly about Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic. No witticisms or comments before sending you over the the ol' SAC Blog this week. I spent all of my brain cells writing the post.


Click HERE to see what I'm talking about.

Image from joblo.com

Ghost Rider! nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh HEAD ON FIRE!

Almost missed it, but...

Happy National Ghost Rider's Week!


Wait... Huh? Oh Ghost WRITER's Week. My oops.

I could make a back handed plug here, but instead I'll make an incendiary one... Incendiary, get it? It's a reference to the flaming skull... uh... oh well... In celebration, I suggest you go out and read your favorite long running comic strip. Odds are it hasn't been written by the credited author in the past ten years at least. Believe me, I've met the guys who actually write them. And in most cases I wouldn't want my name on that stuff either.

All the World is Waitng for You...

What a truly horrible theme song that was, eh? Horribly Awesome!

Any hoo, I found myself pinch-writing for a friend at the Sequential Art Collective blog today, literally at the last minute. Or actually, the first, as the news hit me at about midnight. Stayed up all last night watching the newly released animated Wonder Woman DVD from Warner Premiere's DC Universe line and scribbling my thoughts about it HERE. Check it all out... both the post and the movie, because IMHO both are completely worth your while.

Original artwork from Challenge Super Friends, 1978.

They Shoot Conservative Movies Don't They?

I’m not necessarily a political person. Don’t let the fact that I went to the Obama inauguration confuse you. Yes, I did vote for him. But no, I was not one of those Randy Marsh-style Barack-O-philiacs who drunkenly screamed “Who let the Obama out?!?” at 11:00 PM on November 4th. My vote, my first ever, was actually cast against John McCain and Sarah Palin, who I found to be conniving, moronic, pandering, circus freaks during their campaign. In short, I wanted them no where near the White House and (especially) off of my damn television.

I went to the Inauguration to take part in and observe first-hand, what was at its core a cultural movement. Never in my lifetime had I seen, nor do I believe will I see again, such a positive outpouring of emotion over anything, let alone the act of swearing in an American President. It was considered the culmination of a dream that couldn’t have been whispered two-hundred years prior, and for many in the black community, it was a high watermark in their lives – as evidenced by their wearing their Sunday best and mink coats (men and women alike) to essentially spend a day on crowded subway cars only to stand on a street corner in Washington, DC.

My one camera phone pic from 1/20/09

Was it a special experience? Absolutely. There was a miraculous kind of buzz that kept everyone warm on that cold January morning, as hundreds of thousands of people mobbed the Mall. Everyone was, for the most part, upbeat, friendly and (excuse me for using this word) hopeful, and never before did I have so large a crowd to bounce my pithy comments off of. It was a blast. Would I do it again? Probably not. Unless I feel as strongly against someone as I did the McCain/Palin ticket, I don’t know if I’ll even vote again. And I’m currently registered in a swing state. My vote actually counts, now. I’m not a political person, and most times I believe that politics and politicians are essentially all the same in the American system. So, really why bother?

I do know one thing though -- I am not a conservative. While I may agree with the random ideal that they espouse, if it’s rational, I generally despise most vocal right wingers in the Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Sarah Palin vein -- mainly because they’re assholes -- and they’ve basically given that stamp to the rest of that clique and its followers. Sure, there are assholes on both sides, and those particular conservative assholes might not speak for the whole movement, but let’s face it right now they’re at the forefront and I dislike them more than the liberal assholes. It’s my choice. If you disagree, that’s great. It’s America. You’re allowed.

I have friends, acquaintances, even immediate family that subscribe to conservative ideologies and I don’t go picking fights with them over it. It’s not worth it. Unless, of course, they try to drag something that I love, or know a helluva lot about into their mess, then it’s fucking war. This is why the gloves came off when I got an e-mail forwarding me the National Review’s Top 25 Conservative Movies of the Past 25 Years. Granted it was sent to me by a friend of mine from high school, who probably doesn’t know my political, or even a-political leanings, but knows that I went to film school and might find the list of interest. I’ll give him the benefit of that doubt, but in his agreeing with many of the films on the list I felt a general need to take him, the other people he forwarded the list to, and the compiler John J. Mitchell to task.

Sorry guys. Either you saw different movies than I did (possible considering the subjective nature of the artform) or you’re on some serious drugs (like Limbaugh and/or the entire state of Alaska – and if so can I get some, my back has been killing me lately and I’ve all but stopped drinking.) Let’s take a look at some of the movies that made the list, and what they had to say about them:

300 (2007): During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free. Beneath a layer of egregious non-history — including goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic — is a stylized story about the ancient battle of Thermopylae and the Spartan defense of the West’s fledgling institutions. It contrasts a small band of Spartans, motivated by their convictions and a commitment to the law, with a Persian horde that is driven forward by whips. In the words recorded by the real-life Herodotus: “Law is their master, which they fear more than your men[, Xerxes,] fear you.”

Well, first of all there’s already been a slew of Gulf War movies, just ask Jaime Foxx, he was in most of them. The problem is the good ones, or at least the ones that made any headlines or box office, were the anti-Iraq movies. That’s not Hollywood’s fault. I’m willing to let you have your interpretation of this because Frank Miller has been accused of being a radical conservative, and his graphic novel on which this movie was based does evidence some of those leanings. However, my interpretation of it is that it’s a movie about stories and storytellers, and how history can be painted in a way to incite a movement. It’s not a history. The whole story is told in a warped flashback by Delios, on the eve of declared war on the Persian Army. It’s equivalent to the Crispin’s Day speech in Shakespeare’s Henry V. Remember, Delios is sent back to Sparta even before the battle of Thermopylae actually begins, because he has the gift to tell tales. It’s his job as a fallen soldier to rally the rest of the country to war. As for the “goblin-like creatures that belong in a fantasy epic,” how do you know that the Spartans didn’t fight mutant rhinoceri? If you believe the Creation Museum, which maybe as a conservative you do, man and dinosaurs co-existed. Maybe it was a trained triceratops and its rider was Fred Flintstone enjoying the cool flavor of a Winston.

I actually own this, currently on loan to the Sequential Art Collective.

Juno (2007): The best pro-life movies reach beyond the church choirs and influence the wider public. Juno was a critical and commercial success. It didn’t set out to deliver a message on abortion, but much of its audience discovered one anyway. The story revolves around a 16-year-old who finds a home for her unplanned baby. The film has its faults, including a number of crass moments and a pregnant high-school student with an unrealistic level of self-confidence. Yet it also exposes a broken culture in which teen sex is dehumanizing, girls struggle with “choice,” and boys aimlessly try — and sometimes downright fail — to become men. The movie doesn’t glamorize much of anything but leaves audiences with an open-ended chance for redemption.

Let’s get one thing out of the way: Pro-Choice does not mean Anti-Life. If it did, then Darkseid could easily have taken over the world with the ruling of Roe v. Wade. (Bonus points if you don’t have to hit the link to know what I’m talking about.) Having a baby when you’re an American teenager, is a choice. Juno sets out to have an abortion, she even mocks the “pro-life” girl that tries to stop her, but then decides not to. Now, it’s also a choice to give said baby to a soon to be single woman, whose emotional unavailability and constant harping of her immature husband has driven him to look for a 16 year-old pregnant strange - not exactly the most “family values” choice is it? Not very conservative at all. And you do know that this movie was written by an ex-stripper who named herself after the Devil, right?

The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president — whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war — don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.

Whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… I know it was long, but did you watch the whole movie? Batman knowingly does everything he does as a vigilante, and he basically hates the fact that he’s worshipped as a hero. He comes to disagree with his own choice to operate outside of the law and support the righteous law abiding ideals of Harvey Dent, which is why at the end of the movie he chooses to take credit for crimes he didn’t commit – concocting a plan that paints him out to be a worse criminal than he actually is. That’s what that whole Jim Gordon monologue was about, Cochise. Were you paying attention or just waiting for Gary Oldman to say Dark Knight so you can jump out of your seat and cheer? Does that at all sound like George W. Bush -- who made the illegal legal and constantly pandered to the press and wore a flight suit to “build a legacy”? I didn’t think so. Plus, at what point does Batman do anything to advance Bruce Wayne and the Penguin’s stock portfolios? He doesn’t. He actually does the exact opposite by wasting his company’s money to effectively stop crime, instead of hiring Wayne Enterprises to say go out into the streets and actively commit more crime or incite the citizens of Gotham to more violence. Ha…Ha…Haliburton. I totally sneezed, sorry.

Brazil (1985): Vividly depicting the miserable results of elitist utopian schemes, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil portrays a darkly comic dystopia of malfunctioning high-tech equipment and the dreary living conditions common to all totalitarian regimes. Everything in the society is built to serve government plans rather than people. The film is visually arresting and inventive, with especially evocative use of shots that put the audience in a subservient position, just like the people in the film. Terrorist bombings, national-security scares, universal police surveillance, bureaucratic arrogance, a callous elite, perversion of science, and government use of torture evoke the worst aspects of the modern megastate.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….

You do realize that this was made in response to the oppression of the Thatcher administration, right?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah… ah. Brilliant.

I can understand conservatives' cognitive dissonance, or at least know that they live almost in a state of it, considering that conservative Republicans recently released a video in which they celebrate their own defeat in the stimulus war. Really… you cast 0 votes? And… it sill passed? That's like the Detroit Lions celebrating this past football season as a championship year. Perfect record! 0-16! Oh and that video (which was set to Aerosmith song about a hooker, and another video which compared any union to the Sopranos and made its “point” through the rampant use of profanity) was made by some "family values" spoutin', clown shoe wearin' prick. (I'd put up links to these videos that Eric Cantor has denied sending out, but they've been removed from the internet. Thanks for enforcing your copyright Aerosmith!)

Team America: World Police (2004): This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture. As the heroes move to stop a WMD apocalypse, they clash with Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, and a host of others, whom they take out with gunfire, sword, and martial arts before saving the day. The movie, like South Park itself, reveals Parker and Stone as the two-headed George Grosz of American satire.

Um, the first two sentences of your review basically call it the best satire of conservative fear mongering as well. It’s hard to categorize as conservative, because like any true piece of intelligent satire, it skews both sides. I think you kind of know that already though, so I’ll lay off. However, you really should stop grasping for straws.

Ultimately, I do realize that this list on the whole is just a desperate grasp at relevancy by a handful of dipwads who have had the misfortune to wake up and find themselves on the fringe of a society they controlled for eight years... Sorry guys. Hope you really don't believe any of this stuff. Keep on truckin', and thanks for the laughs. I'd say keep 'em coming, but you'd ultimately just end up pissing me off. So keep it to yourselves, and stay off my damned TV!

Like Seussical, but with Less Rosie O'Donnell

Please check out the new MMM post.
Of all of my favorites, it is the most.

It celebrates a man who was most influential,
on the media I love, the Arts Sequential...

The rest of the rhyme time's writ over HERE
Click on the link for Seuss birthday cheer!

Original art by me, from back when I made envelopes for stamp collectors.

Unfortunate Filler: More Ledger/Joker Stuff

Hey Actioneer(s?),

I'm trying to iron out a technical issue with a pretty lengthy post I wrote about this list of movies that Conservatives (the Head Honchos of Hollywood Hating) are trying to claim for their own nefarious purposes. In the meantime, here's about the only Christian Bale rant joke that I actually thought was funny:

Works on SOOOOOOOO many levels...

Click on the image to see other spoof posters from CollegeHumor.com

More later, I hope! - AM!

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na...

Not even Batman could have stopped a certain joker from stealing an Oscar last night. Check out this week's Monday Media Madness post I wrote for the Sequential Art Collective and read all about it.

Click HERE to flip the Shakespeare head and slide down the proverbial Batpole.

"I had a dream I was a vigilante's sidekick..."

Looks Like My Office

Art by Jonathan Godoy. You can buy a print of it HERE

I'm not kidding. All it's missing is the Sword of Omens...

Apocalypse Watch: 1 Day Closer

I saw these at the supermarket today. I don't know why I became so fascinated with or frightened by them. It's just a McGriddles on a stick, right?

Oh yeah, that's why... because it's a fucking McGriddles...On A Stick!!!

They're probably delicious, I wouldn't know... but I do know that they're definitely another tick of the big hand on the End-of-Days clock.

Basic Math for Sports Reporters

Evidently the Reporter Didn't Go to College Either, or Grade School...

At A-Roid's press conference yesterday, a learned reporter's question included the following math problem:

"...you said you took (it) twice a month for three years. Basic math would make that 36 times. Why would someone inject something into their system 36 times, who is a professional athlete and wants a long career if you don't know what it is, if you were doing it right?"

2 times X 3 years X 12 months in a year = 72 injections

That's my basic math, homes, and I showed the work. He clearly wasn't doing it right if he only took half the doses now was he, you fucking genius?

How can you try to call someone out on their stupidity when your math is wrong? Epic fail, douche wad.

Unfortunately, unlike A-Roid and probably this bastion of journalism, I went to college - a good one too - and thanks to this economy I haven't been able to find steady work in months - but these goddamn dipshits get paid too much to play and talk about a game.

To each their own struggle, I guess... I'll shut up now about this and go back to rambling about He-Man and The Smurfs. For free. yay sports...

What's My Next Tattoo - You Decide!

At the end of this year I'll be getting another nerd tattoo. Because I'm up in the air on what aspect of my misspent youth I want to celebrate next, I'm leaving it up to you, my faithful reader(s), to decide. Here are raw images of the choices -- which are approximations of what I'm thinking of, but in no way represent the final art:

The Shield of He-Man

or

Comics Code Authority Seal

You can vote via the poll below my bio, on the right hand side of this page. Polling will close on November 30th, 2009 at 9:00AM. (My 33rd Birthday.) I'll get the ink sometime in mid-December. I'll post updates on the art as they're available -- or, if you're an artist, and you want to take a stab at interpreting either of these iconic emblems e-mail your designs to matt@sacart.org

On the Darkside... Oh Yeah-hey-ah!

How was long deceased EC Comics publisher William M. Gaines haunting last week's DVD releases? You should check out the Sequential Art Collective blog to find out.

Click HERE to fumble over to a fabulous Fright Fest.

Crypty and Papa Bill make a posthumous appearance at a 2007 Halloween party.

Happy Friday the 13th

An Open Letter to (Louise) Robey

Oh Robey,

Star of the bafflingly titled Friday the 13th: The Series...

...Only Wilma Flintstone pre-dates you in my love of shapely red heads with strange and annoying voices.

Sure, you can blame your accent on being Canadian, but can you broil an entire rack of Brontosaurus ribs? Or at least satisfactorily explain how a string of movies about a slasher in a hockey mask was turned into a TV show aboot two "cousins" tracking down cursed antiques?

The 13th falls on a Friday again in March. So, you have a month to come up with something.

- Love,
Action Matt!

The William Holden Helmet

William Holden was an American actor, who won the Best Actor Oscar in 1953 for his role in Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17. He died in 1981, from a head injury he possibly suffered while he was stumbling around his apartment, drunk out of his mind. Forensic evidence suggests that he slipped on a throw rug, slammed his head against a table and bled to death. He was too hopped up to even realize he was on his way out. His body was discovered four days later.

The year before, he was diagnosed with severe lung cancer. So if you ask me - his was a much better way to go.

However, a very good friend (and regular drinking buddy) of mine has recently conceived of a way to avoid “William Holden-ing” and chose to share this method with me via instant messenger.

(Conversation occurred between 2:16 and 5:34 PM, Monday February 9th. It has been edited for content, and some names have been changed and/or removed.)

HELMET HEAD: Coors Light tall boys, the official drink of (Helmet Head’s) apartment

ACTION MATT!: Now?

HELMET HEAD: The American Dream * in action. indeed
HELMET HEAD: I have (work on) Wednesday and Thursday, which is good
HELMET HEAD: So now, I celebrate my awesome tax return

ACTION MATT!: Cool

HELMET HEAD: This Over Her Dead Body picture is ponderously bad

ACTION MATT!: ?

HELMET HEAD: I’m watching with the sound off and it’s still bad
HELMET HEAD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785007/

ACTION MATT!: Yeah I just searched that
ACTION MATT!: Was it free?
ACTION MATT!: Are you paying to watch that piece of shit?

HELMET HEAD: On the cable

ACTION MATT!: Oh, I thought you pay-per-viewed it
ACTION MATT!: because that's how you roll

HELMET HEAD: For real
HELMET HEAD: then pass out and bathe in beer
HELMET HEAD: I may put on my Bill Holden helmet around 7pm

ACTION MATT!: lol

HELMET HEAD: I am constructing a Bill Holden helmet Tony-Stark-style
HELMET HEAD: Mark 2, complete

ACTION MATT!: LOL
ACTION MATT!: Like a ‘tard helmet, but for drunks

HELMET HEAD: Absolutely
HELMET HEAD: Construction of the final helmet is complete

HELMET HEAD sends the following photo:


ACTION MATT!: Is that a Darth Vader voice changer?

HELMET HEAD: Totally!

ACTION MATT!: What did you do to modify the helmet?

HELMET HEAD: I put batteries in it

ACTION MATT!: And that's how it will protect you from William Holden-ing?

HELMET HEAD: Yes!

ACTION MATT!: That's just cheating

HELMET HEAD: Best. Holden helmet. Ever.
HELMET HEAD: I wore this helmet to (A Mutual Friend’s) place, and (Friend’s Dog) peed everywhere ‘cause he was scared
HELMET HEAD: No shit

ACTION MATT!: Heh

HELMET HEAD: Like, how does the dog know that its evil?

ACTION MATT!: George Lucas: "Well, you see Joseph Campbell's theories on myth..."
ACTION MATT!: “mmm-hoy”

HELMET HEAD: Heh
HELMET HEAD: Fuck, I forgot how cool this thing is
HELMET HEAD: 33 years old and a closet full of Star Wars? You bet
HELMET HEAD: I had to clean out the spider webs in the mask

ACTION MATT!: Heh, maybe a spider'll lay eggs in you like Meatwad…

HELMET HEAD: Don’t tell me these things, not now man*

ACTION MATT!: …or, leave you susceptible to mind-control like Paul Winfield in Wrath of Khan…

HELMET HEAD: I feel a bit coming on
HELMET HEAD: youtube style
HELMET HEAD: “You are all doomed”
HELMET HEAD: This mask is cracking me up
HELMET HEAD: Helmet, even

(*Appropriate Fear and Loathing... references)

As of 2/11/09, HELMET HEAD was still alive and kicking. For better or worse, his creation has yet to undergo any serious amount of field testing. Updates will be posted as necessary.

I've Still Got It (The Power, That Is)

There's a new Monday Media Madness about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe up at the Sequential Art Collective blog.

Hold aloft your magic sword and click HERE to check it out.

Smurf Life, Part 1: Fan/Boy

I was in the hospital last week visiting my newborn nephew, when I met a little kid proudly displaying his freshly pressed Thomas the Tank Engine water-activated tattoo. It was on the backside of his hand, which not-so-coincidently held some plastic replica of one of Thomas's buddies.

As I sat in the hospital room, cradling a stuffed Smurf in my left arm, I smiled when the kid ran up to me and proudly proclaimed: “I have a tattoo! And I have the toy! Look!”

“That’s awesome, homes” I replied. “Me too.”

(I should say here that the stuffed Smurf I was carrying was for my nephew. My own was at home on one of my shelves. I don’t take the Smurf out and carry him around. I mean, I would, but that would just get him all dirty.)

“Can I see?” he asked, as he pulled his hand out my face.

I put the Smurf in my nephew's crib, obligingly unbuttoned my over-shirt and started pulling up the sleeve of my tee, when I stopped and asked:

“Do you like spooky things?”

“No, I like baseball.”

“Well, if and when you do, ask me again.” I put my button down back on.

How the hell do you explain a smurf skull to a four year-old? The Smurf I was holding was probably the first one he’d ever seen, and there I was about to give him a glimpse of the end of their multi-century life cycle. I mean, he probably has never even heard of Tupac (although I have to admit, I have no idea what kids are listening to nowadays), so would he even get the “Thug Life” reference that crowns the art?

His father, one of my brother's friends, did get the reference and appreciated Death’s Head Smurf - as he’s been named - after I showed him and his curious girlfriend later on (and out of the kid’s sight.) They got a bigger kick out of it after I explained that I was probably the country’s leading, if not only, self-proclaimed Smurfologist.

Then the usual string of questions came…

What’s with Smurfette? Why is she the only female smurf? How do they reproduce? How did you get to be a Smurfologist?

The answers:

How do you mean? She’s not. They don’t, the stork brings the new babies. And well, that’s a long one…

Got a minute? Because maybe it’s time we put this one on the record. Might take a bit.

The Smurfs animated series debuted on September 12^th, 1981 at 8:30AM. I was four. At the time, I believed it was perhaps the most amazing hour of television that I had ever sat through in my life. Then on the following Friday, I saw the newest episode of The Incredible Hulk and exactly the same thing. But, on Saturday the 19^th The Smurfs was on again, and that reclaimed the prize. This cycle continued until the Hulk was canceled at the end of that season. Then, I’m sure another show took over for it almost instantaneously. Remember, I was four. That’s how things like that go when you’re four.

I honestly don’t remember too much from that time, but I do remember that I became absolutely obsessed with The Smurfs. How could I not? They spoke in their own uber-cool language, they were adorable as all get out and because the Wallace Berrie company had started to import European Smurf toys as early as 1978, they already had toys on the market that I could annoy my parents for.

It was a huge phenomenon. Everyone watched The Smurfs, from my older brother who claimed it was “dumb” - although he sat with me for hours crafting little replicas with our Paas Make Your Own Smurf Kit – straight through to my grandmother, who at 60 years old tuned in so she could have something to talk about with me during our weekly phone calls.

Below is a composite reconstruction of conversations that occurred between young Matthew C. Murray and Anna T. Cole, from 1981 to 1983, based on various family recollections:

Grandma: Did you watch The Mertz today, Matthew?

Matthew: They’re smurfed Smurfs, Me-Ma.

Grandma: Don’t be a whiner, Matthew.

Matthew: I’m not whining.

Grandma: Then, what... are you crying?

Matthew: I’m not crying, Me-Ma.

Grandma: Of course you are, I can hear it in your voice.

Matthew: I’M NOT CRYING! Jeez, what is your smurf broken?

Grandma: It’s going to be okay, Matthew. Stop crying.

Matthew (actually starting to cry, angrily): I…I…I’m not cr-cr-crying!!!

Grandma (laughing): Well, I watched The Mertz today and that Gargamel sure is funny, huh?

Matthew: (uncontrollable sobbing)

Grandma (mock condolence): Aw... Why don't you sing a song for me, Matthew?

Matthew: (to the tune of the early 80s Noodle Roni Parmesano jingle) Noodle Roni Parmagiana, a bit-doe-wo-wit-doe-wee*!

Matthew slams the phone down in utter disgust. Grandma calls back laughing hysterically.

* Translated: "...a bit of Old Italy"

Years went by. The Smurfs expanded to a 90 minute show, then went back to an hour show, then back to 90 minutes based on the failings of other Saturday morning offerings. It moved to 9:00. Then the Smuflings came on the scene. Then Puppy. Then Grandpa. All the while, other shows had slowly been eroding my viewership. Other more exciting shows, with a more “sophisticated” sense of humor and better tie-ins like the Muppet Babies and Lazer Tag.

And let’s face it, The Smurfs had become “kids stuff.” All-in-all, I collected the odd Smurf and occasionally watched the cartoon until I reached the age that I could no longer hide it from my friends that I did so. Oh, that and the Superfriends: Super Power Team: Galactic Guardians Show was so much cooler anyway.

It was time to put childish things away, and embrace Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling. I was nine. That’s how things like that go when you’re nine.

Stay 'Tooned for Part 2…